Conversation Anger Issues

My apologies for the lack of posts of late. Whenever the cute random observations happen, I'm not near a computer to type them out. Or I'm being rather lethargic and don't post.

Not to mention, I feel quite angry lately. Not enough to go to therapy, but probably should. Maybe I should change the title of this blog to "Downward Spiral of a Candy Store Clerk". I know I'm not really that bad, nor am I pre-teen goth girl with too much black eye liner... The title of the blog shall remain.

Someone from my second job told me I was mean the other day because I let him know he had a "Here's your sign" moment.

Oh yeah. I now have a second job to make ends meet to help support myself and my family. I realize not every culture believes its the responsibility of the younger generation to take care of the older one, but someone's got to take care of my parents, and I am apparently the only one with enough discipline to do it. I digress...

On with my story:
For a not that exciting place, my second job is a little like Fort Knox with its security. Only when I'm working am I allowed to go down the dark concrete hallway (made lighter and more welcoming with white paint on the concrete) to the depth of the building where no cell phone can get reception because it's like being in a nuclear bunker. This is where I go to clock in and get paid. On the day I was being mean, a security guard saw me standing in the bunker, leaning against the appropriate wall for leaning, uniform in hand, waiting to clock in. He came up to me and asked "Are you working tonight?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and paused.

After I gave him a chance to realize what he said, I responded with something like "No, I just came to the area I'm not allowed to be in when not working, with my uniform in hand for giggles... Wanted to see if anyone would catch me."

That is when he realized he had a stupid moment. Since I'm somewhat friendly with him, I did offer a smile after my sarcastic deadpan remark, and politely in a friendly, joking manner informed him he had a "Here's Your Sign" moment. I figured he knew redneck humor, and I've seen Blue Collar Comedy during late night hours on Comedy Central. He could think I was relating to him. It worked.

Later in the evening, when he told other coworkers I had been mean to him, he said it with a smile like it was a joke between us. I felt safe.

When I attempted to relay the story to my family, I got as far as "My coworker said I was mean to him..." My cousin interrupted me with a sarcastic "What? Someone thought you were mean?" However, when she said it, she was trying to be cute and funny by implying that I'm always bleeping mean. I pondered this for a moment, and excused the comment because I realized, I am usually mean to her. But she needs a good verbal butt kicking every now and then. I don't do it to feel a sense of empowerment over another. Its simply that some people say too many stupid comments to the point one could wonder if sterilization may be a good option for them.

People at my regular job have noticed I haven't been that nice to clients on the phone. I start off nice, then they say something stupid, and I sound irritated with them and potentially a little patronizing. I use to fake it better.

Example: Company purchased a large order of Candy, decided to make arrangements for a payment plan for that order. I am now in charge of sending monthly letters to remind the company of their monthly payment until the bill is paid in full.

Third month into the payment plan I get a call:
Intelligent man: Hey, I got this letter from you saying you are wanting money or something from us. I gave that to you last month, we're done with that already.

Me: Yes, I received last month's payment. However, I need November and December's payment.

IM: (in a hostile and louder voice) Well you're not gonna get that! You're too late!

Me: How am I too late to receive November and December's payments?

IM: Our computers and accounting equipment were down.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. But whether the system is down or not, payments still need to be made. You can't get that fixed before the end of November? You have the rest of the month to get your payment to us.

IM: Oh you mean this November and December?!?

Me: (closes eyes, smacks head into free hand, while shaking head back and forth wondering why me) Yes, sir. This November and December's payments.

IM: (calmer and more relaxed like he knows what I'm talking about) Oh ok, so I'll send you last month's and this month's payments.

Me: (gripping any bit of sanity left in me) No, sir. I need this month's, which is November, and next month's, which is December's payments.

It's a screwy system they set up with this guy. If the payments weren't different for December from October, I would have let that comment slide. When I hung up the phone, my coworker commented about my lack of pleasantry on the phone. When I told her the full conversation, she wasn't willing to tell me I should be perkier or that my tone was justified. She simply shook her head and walked away.

I also had a guy call in an order and try to get me to describe myself on the phone. *Shrugs* Seriously, people?

He would randomly interject weird comments in the midst of a professional phone call regarding an order. He tried to play it off as a non-creepy request with "haven't you ever created a mental picture of the people you are talking to on the phone?" He then proceeded to tell me what he thought I looked like over the phone.

I couldn't help but wonder if he thought I looked like the teacher from Varsity Blues that ended up being the stripper for the "Hot for Teacher" song or if he thought I looked like Cathy from the old cartoon strip. But while he was talking, I wondered if he truly thought I was stupid enough to fall for what I believed was a trick. First he tried to get me to describe myself. I reminded him I was on a work phone and that did not pertain to the job at hand. He then continued with order, and eventually threw in his picture of what I looked like... Was he really expecting me to just be some giggly valley girl and answer "Oh no, silly I don't look like that, my hair color is this and I look like this." I deemed him a creepy moron...

He called back 5 minutes later because he googled my name and wanted to know if I was the person he read about who did this and that. I told him he sounded like a creepy stalker and asked if he needed anything else from the candy store.

I don't know if it's conversations like these that make me mean or sarcastic, or if they are bringing out that side of me which has always been present. Some people still give me compliments like they enjoy my company. They even sound sincere when they do it. Hopefully I give them a similar response.

Waste

Do you ever wake up and feel like you've done something wasteful with your life?

I feel like that today. I watched Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" today in memory of him, and it made me wonder what happened to me?

Someone once told me that a person's life happens in seven year cycles. What you do in that first year of the seven year block defines you for the next seven years.

I'm not willing to look too far back in my childhood, but from 14 - 21 years of age, I was a bit of a go-getter, dreamer, and helper. I was active in multiple clubs in high school, in church, and my parent's business. Though I was a rather crass young lady with emotional baggage, in many ways I was fearless and went after whatever I wanted. If a project I believed in needed help, I found the help it needed whether in number of bodies for labor, finding money, or doing the work myself. Though I called many people friend, I had a select number of people that I would have laid down my life for, and given them the clothes off my back if need be. In fact, the ones I can think, I would still do it for them today, even though I've lost touch with some.

Life threw hurdles at me and I broke through them. Some I jumped over. But I wasn't the most athletically inclined, so I just made it past the hurdle, and not always with grace.

Somewhere in college, around 21 years old, I got tired. In retrospect (since I can't quite remember my feelings at 21), I think I was spreading myself thin in so many directions: helping people, being involved in this and that, and trying to graduate college. So I slowed down. I chose to focus on graduating school and gave myself one (rather time consuming) side project/group to be part of. [some day I will not end sentences with prepositions, and today is not that day]

For the last 7 years I don't think I really pushed myself. I created fear within me. A fear of being tired, a fear of getting involved and putting so much of myself into something that I would get tired and spread myself too thin to function. So what was the result? Not being involved in much of anything. I took lead a couple of charity events at the candy shop a few years back, and that was it.

When I did those charity events on top of my regular work, I felt a rush. I felt a rush and a sense of accomplishment. They started off with me "helping" at the fundraisers. I eventually lead and organized one of the largest charity events at the store.

I will add the side note that I took on the large charity event for not the nicest of reasons. The lady who ran ALL charity and tax deduction like causes for the store had an attitude like the sky would crumble without her. She was about to cancel the largest fundraiser we provided for a worthy charity because she would be out sick for several weeks from a major surgery. Her offer to have someone take over while she was gone, wasn't really an offer, it was more like a challenge. So I took her challenge and doubled her average profits for that charity. I didn't do it alone. I had a wonderful team of people working with me to make everything possible. But again, there might have been some personal selfish gain in that one.

However, that moment reminded me of how I use to be a leader, and that I wasn't that bad at it. Yet what did I do with this reminder?... Not much. Once everything was over I went back to my regular duties.

So I'm in the first year of the next 7 year cycle. What have I really done? I feel like I'm not accomplishing my dreams of helping the masses like I had always envisioned as a kid. I do some good in the world. The kids who come into the shop with no money, but want a piece of candy, I'll give them creative projects to earn it. Then get rewarded with the glow on the child's face when handing her favorite lollipop to her. And the random little (yet not so little) thing of listening to a friend when he or she needs a sound board. But I'm not in any leadership roles. I don't organize groups of people to help themselves and others.

I work. I rest. I occasionally play.

So far in this new year I have done some well needed personal reflection and growth. Still a major work in progress, but progress nonetheless.

Yet, some days I feel selfish. I don't want set the stage for the next 7 years to be thinking about myself and my personal growth.

I want to combine my personal growth with helping the growth of others.

Writing that sentence felt daunting. I would like to have time management skills to balance out taking care of me; being happy at work, home, and with myself; and enjoying other people again.

I feel I have a lot to learn to do this. Many moons ago I did not take the opportunity to be an apprentice with the lollipop master. In this new year of my life, I would like to not pass up such opportunities... And more importantly, make those possibilities. I think I spent the last 7 years only taking an opportunity if it fell in my lap. I need to not wait for the window to open, but open it myself.

I'm scared to put this out into the universe... Or at least cyberspace because if I fail, then I will have failed at something very personal in front of others who could remind me of my failure. But maybe that's what I need. To achieve greatness and stand tall, one needs to fall and be humbled. Since physical coordination is not my strong point, I truly should not be afraid of falling. One thing I took away from Mr. Pausch's lecture is that sometimes you learn the most valuable lessons in life from not reaching your dream goals.

I guess the most important thing is to not forget to dream. It's ok to dream big.
Dreams are good.... minus nightmares with never ending stairs, clowns, and cute fuzzy bunnies dressed like evil business men chasing you with shackles.

Milk/Advertisement Update

I realize some may question me on this, but I do not feel I am obsessed with milk. After my rancid milk experience, I question purchasing milk at the local cafeteria near work.

Today I was in need of some protein for breakfast. On my quest, I met a red-headed fairy princess, who tends to wear mostly black and dark colored clothing. She gave me honey almond flax "Go Lean Crunch!: Protein & Fiber cereal". I've never had it before, but felt it was worth a try. Instead of trying my salvation protein ala carte, I ventured to the cafeteria waste land (which was fined heavily by the health inspector, big violations included weevils and rodent droppings).

To play it safe, I purchased a bottle of name brand milk versus using the dispensers. Since the refrigerator area was not well stocked, my options were Land O' Lakes Grip N' Go chocolate or whole milk. I opted for whole.

While eating my surprisingly scrumptious cereal, I noticed this logo on the bottle:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! "Milk on the fly!" with a winged cow. After seeing such things, I looked at the ingredients to see if Red Bull was associated to it. No such luck. Supposedly there is only milk and vitamin D3.

I must confess, I don't know what "ultra-pasteurized" means. For all I know it could mean the cows are part borg.

Seriously, when was the last time someone viewed a show on modern large dairies? The the way the cows are hooked up to the milking equipment looks like they are being assimilated.

However, my reason for writing was to share that I think the "Milk on the Fly!" logo is awesome! It helped make my breakfast experience that much more worthwhile this morning.

I wish you all worthwhile meals! Enjoy!

PS- I'm surprised at how easy it was to include a photo. Didn't realize it was so simple. :)

Random Not-so-cheerful Ramblings

Today is not a cute day. Yesterday was, but not today. Yesterday I was tired of being sad and tired, and decided I'm going to curl my hair and wear a dress to work. I don't know if the dress, hair, and make-up had anything to do with it, but the day felt surreal. I knew the things that I'm sad about were still present, but they were pushed aside for a day. I got a little teary during the evening, but for the most part, it was a good day.

Today.... Today I wake up and feel like a load of bricks is sitting on my chest. It's almost amazing to have such a feeling without my breasts also being crushed by the weight. But no, somehow they are fine. It's as if the bricks have managed to sit between them and on my diaphragm, and the pain distributes underneath it all. It sucks.

I know I've made the right decisions. However, I don't recall anyone telling me that right decisions give you an instant feeling of "Yippee!". Doing what's in your heart of hearts can still leave you feeling bitter, angry, resentful, and crappy. The difference between the right decision and the wrong decision is that those feelings are only on the surface for right ones, and at the core for wrong.

One, my relationship with the love of my life is over. I was finally strong enough to say good bye. I love him, and loved him more than any man I know. He's felt the same with me. The most devastating part is we grew apart. Our relationship took the wrong kind of work. It wasn't healthy, and it was time to end. So I did it. I think I even surprised him. I don't think he realized I would have the strength to leave. I feel he thought I would hang on until he was ready to move on and have to cut the strings himself. But for my sanity, I let go....and it hurts.

On top of that, not that I'm ready, but I'm attracted to another man. Not in a oh-my-gosh-I-can't-wait-to-get-you-in-the-sack,-our-connection-is-so-amazing way, but there is a special bond between us that I cherish, and we are both attracted to each other. However, when he approached me about crossing the lines of friendship, I wasn't ready.

After getting over the fear of how our friendship could end up, he had resolved within himself that taking that route would probably not be good for us or our friendship.

To add insult to injury, I have a friend that I learned slept with the same man as me, the one man I regretted being with. She slept with him after I was finally strong enough to tell him no. We didn't know it at the time. I had a feeling he would pursue her, but I didn't know if she'd take the bait. But she did.

Now, she's attracted to the same friend I am.

What she doesn't realize is, a few weeks ago, I almost recommended her to him as a potential dating prospect if he felt ready to go back out on the market. That was even before he and I talked about where we stood with each other. Now that he has resolved the issue of us within himself, and he's gotten to know her a little bit better, I think he is leaving himself open to the opportunity of something happening between them.

Part of me is happy about this. Like I said, I was about to recommend the woman to him, but I didn't want to feel like I was creating the moment in "Wedding Crashers" when the office girl told Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn) that she has a girlfriend to set him up with, so I didn't say anything. I feel if people are going to get together, then let it be on their own course. Why have some friend try to rush emotions to create an awkwardness?

But in the same aspect, I guess I'm a little bummed as well. I don't know if it's due to a bruised ego or jealousy. But I know it's small and something I'll get over. I'd be far more upset with my female friend for not going out with a man that she has a connection with and could possibly enjoy spending time with just because I had a little crush on him at one point in time. If he was my man or my husband, that would be different. But if they can find joy with each other, both individuals are my friends, and I like it when my friends are sincerely happy.

In short, today reality is hitting me. Today I feel very alone. Today I am very well aware that I am single and not spending time with the man I love.

But at the same time, I have some light joy flickering through the pain. I'm thankful to be blessed with beautiful people. I learned last night that my guy friend is far closer to me than I realized. I learned we really do have a connection and that we let each other see sides of ourselves we don't want to share with others, and that to me is special. Sex doesn't need to be added into that mix. I also learned that my female friend is rather loyal to me. I didn't really think we were that close until I realized she liked him as well. When she thought that he and I could have something between us, she made it a point to not flirt with him so he and I could figure things out between us, and was cheering for something to happen between him and I. It was if she had some loyalty to me and would rather not get to know him more so she could keep a friendship between us. For some reason that surprised me.

Not just with these two, but in the last week, I've learned that I have more friends than I thought. I knew I had many acquaintances. I didn't realize I have my own special place to call home in some hearts that I know.

These are some of the random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning... So much so that I'm not able to focus on work and felt I needed an outlet. I feel like crying.

Rancid Milk!!

Some of you may remember my irritation with a particular cafeteria and its milk. Before, I was bitter about the poor signs regarding the price of said milk. This time.....way worse.

Again, I decide I'm in the mood to have some cereal as I partake in morning coffee with my coworkers. The milk dispensing machine with two options "whole milk" and "2% Milk" wasn't working. Therefore, I went to the milk dispenser that is meant for coffee. It has 4 smaller dispensers within it for half & half, 2% milk, whole milk, and skim milk. I poured some 2% milk on my cereal and went outside to sit on the patio with my coworkers.

I take the first bite and realize I accidentally picked out regular Cheerios instead of Honey-Nut Cheerios. That irked me.

I took a couple more bites. Still didn't taste right. By that third bite I was sensing a sour taste. By the fourth one, I spit it out and confirmed it. I smelled my bowl of cereal. Something was awry.

I took a spoonful of the milk and tried to get one of my coworkers, the chef, to smell it. I figured if someone would know if milk is bad, it would be a professional chef. He wouldn't do it.

I turned to the maintenance man, he dipped his pinky into the milk on the spoon, tasted it, and said, "Yep. It's bad."

Needless to say. I was not happy. They thought I was bad when they overcharged me for milk, let's see what they think when THEY SELL ME RANCID, SOUR MILK!!!!!!!

I did have composure and was not completely nasty. But I went to the cashier lady, and instead of telling her to get the blind, inconsiderate manager/owner for me to speak with, I flat out told her that she sold me cereal with rancid milk and I'm going to throw it away and get something else in exchange. I didn't waste my time asking.

By the time I got my eggs and ham from the short order grill, I realized that my profanity and irritation for this sad excuse for a new, state-of-the-art cafeteria was sinking in. Luckily, the short order cook likes me and actually apologized for my experience.

Speaking of which, when I told the young lady at the cash register about the milk (by the way, before she started ringing people up, she was the one changing the milk in the milk dispensing machines) that the milk was rancid, she actually winced a bit of a smile. That "Oh that sucks, but it's kind of funny" smile. Not to mention, she DIDN'T apologize for providing me with spoiled milk.

After my mind wrapped around my irritation while at the grill area, I went back to the cashier, who was currently preparing coffee, and told her I was going to have my food for free (versus paying the difference from what I paid earlier). I didn't give her the option to say no. She agreed.

As I sat down, I realized I still paid for my food, in a sense, since I didn't get my money back, but I didn't pay much. And the cereal was cheaper than what I ended up with.

Since this cafeteria is the closest food to work, I'm not completely at the point of boycotting entirely. But I've now limited myself to the short order grill, where I watch my food being prepared in front of me or the prepackaged food that is shipped into the cafeteria.

*mutters* Stupid rancid milk...

Retardedness Wall Has Been Demolished

Well, that took much longer than I expected. I've practically forgot what I planned on writing. But I finally remembered my password, so I could continue on.

First off, I'd like to say hello to A Woman Under the Influence and Harold. I'm glad to see the works of HeidiHaru happening again.

I'll see how quick I can do this since I just found out my ride is on his way to get me, and I haven't even packed yet.

Today's randomness...

Do you ever notice how it seems like you're being tested or reminded of the answers to your inner questions?

For instance, I'm in love with a man. I've been in love with him for a long time. We haven't always been on the same page as we've tried to grow up as individuals and as a couple, but neither of us can deny the love between us.

Yet, sometimes I have doubt. I think my doubt really stems from a fear of being wrong. As in, I choose him for the long term, and after I've made that decision that he's the one I want to be with and raise a family with, and we start down that path, and then BAM, I find someone else who fits that description better, but I already made the commitment to this one.
Yes, I have issues. We don't always need to state the obvious... Despite the fact I do it so well.

I've noticed lately I've been wondering about this man. I'm not ready for marriage or anything, but we've been dating for awhile, and I've been curious if we're going to continue on a way of together, or if we aren't and need to nip this in the bud and move on.

Then it dawned on me last night or this morning that the powers that be tend to show/remind me of the answer. As I've been considering monogamy with this man (I've been monogamous, but with that beginning dating intention of dating others in the beginning if the opportunity presented itself. It didn't.)...Anyway, as I've been considering monogamy with this man, I had two attractive men approach me for dating or more than friendship.

Both good looking men. Both charming men (one more sex appeal, the other more sarcastic with a quick wit). And in the end, I realized that I wouldn't want to ruin the good thing I have going with the man who meets so many of the qualities I enjoy in a counterpart to be with either.

In the end, it seemed like I was given a reminder whether I thought I needed one or not. I don't know if others have this moment.

I just found out my ride has arrived, and I have no clothes packed. I will clean this up and edit it later.

Take care everyone.

Disclaimer: Not that Cheerful

This is just a warning. If anyone wants to read a cute little random moment, then I don't recommend reading this post. I had a great one the other day, but didn't get the chance to write it down, so now it's not as fresh in my mind.

As for today... I'm really sad today. I guess I'm going on almost a full week of sadness. I think it will be officially a full week by this afternoon. I think I emotionally snapped last Tuesday. No major event happened. It was one of those "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of things. Since last Tuesday afternoon, I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't cried or felt like crying.

I cried last week during work a couple of times. No good reason. I was stocking shelves and doing inventory sheets. I realize this could make some people cry, but not me. Not usually. Today I got to work early, did not put on all my make-up, and every time I think about applying my eye make-up, I hold back. Why look like something from Tales from the Crypt if it runs? So I hold back. I haven't cried yet today. My day just started. But I feel like it.

I have a feeling about what is assisting in this sadness. I believe it could possibly be two things. One, last Tuesday I realized how angry I am that someone/corporation is taking advantage of me and I'm preparing to go to the mattresses. Two, I realized Sunday I need to talk with a particular person, and haven't had the chance to talk with that person yet. The two items are associated to each other, but they are not one and the same.

Item one has the potential to not be a quick battle. Item two I think has been eating me because I know I need to carry on the conversation, and we haven't had a chance to sit down and talk since then. Granted, this is only the second morning since Sunday night. *sigh* Hopefully we can talk tomorrow. :(

Well, the other drones are calling. I better leave my cubby hole before someone locates it.

Please take care fair readers. G'day.

Quote of the day I decided to share with others:

It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Ok, I've had plenty to ramble about lately, I just haven't found...er...made the time to ramble about it.

So here is a random good Samaritan thing for everyone.
Take care

"Hi, all you animal lovers.

This is pretty simple.. Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on the purple box "fund food for animals" for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com "

A New Business Plan

First, an update to the stupid work stuff that I let get to me.

I went to the doctor for a check up regarding a problem I've had for the past few months. I went there on Monday after the stressful meetings with bosses and HR to figure out what to do if my work problem becomes harassment.

That afternoon, I go to see the doctor (who ended up not being there). The nurse checked my vitals, looked at me concerned, and told me my blood pressure was high. Every time I'd been there in the last 3 months that was not a problem. I'm not even in my thirties yet, and that day I had high blood pressure!

Maybe I should take up yoga. Then, once I learn the art of yoga and lollipop making, maybe I can incorporate the two. That could be a fun, relaxing work out with the reward of a well earned lollipop at the end. Once I really hone my skill, I could have my protégés teach the classes while I have a small stand in the lobbies of the Cirque du Soleil shows. I would mix human contortionism with lollipop making. It would be an art that was unappreciated in its own time, except at Cirque du Soleil.

I have found a new mission. Let's see if I choose to accept it...And possibly before someone else does.

Granted, if someone else does it faster, I wouldn't mind some royalties for the idea. Who knows? Maybe we could work together on how to fine tune and make it the best yogi-lollipop exercise shop around. Then, our next stop would be marketing, and having t-shirts with a profile of person standing on one leg, while the other leg goes from behind to over her head holding a lollipop stick over a vat of syrup. Then we'd move on to other hard candies and baked goods, build up enough of a fan base that we begin a franchise business and become as large as, dare I say it, STARBUCKS!!

Eh... I think I like the idea of having my little stand outside the Cirque du Soleil show. Then it's still simple, personal, and quality. Plus if I got with the touring group, I could travel and see the world. Yep, guess this means I should start the company first.

I wonder how much it costs to take yoga classes?