Random Not-so-cheerful Ramblings

Today is not a cute day. Yesterday was, but not today. Yesterday I was tired of being sad and tired, and decided I'm going to curl my hair and wear a dress to work. I don't know if the dress, hair, and make-up had anything to do with it, but the day felt surreal. I knew the things that I'm sad about were still present, but they were pushed aside for a day. I got a little teary during the evening, but for the most part, it was a good day.

Today.... Today I wake up and feel like a load of bricks is sitting on my chest. It's almost amazing to have such a feeling without my breasts also being crushed by the weight. But no, somehow they are fine. It's as if the bricks have managed to sit between them and on my diaphragm, and the pain distributes underneath it all. It sucks.

I know I've made the right decisions. However, I don't recall anyone telling me that right decisions give you an instant feeling of "Yippee!". Doing what's in your heart of hearts can still leave you feeling bitter, angry, resentful, and crappy. The difference between the right decision and the wrong decision is that those feelings are only on the surface for right ones, and at the core for wrong.

One, my relationship with the love of my life is over. I was finally strong enough to say good bye. I love him, and loved him more than any man I know. He's felt the same with me. The most devastating part is we grew apart. Our relationship took the wrong kind of work. It wasn't healthy, and it was time to end. So I did it. I think I even surprised him. I don't think he realized I would have the strength to leave. I feel he thought I would hang on until he was ready to move on and have to cut the strings himself. But for my sanity, I let go....and it hurts.

On top of that, not that I'm ready, but I'm attracted to another man. Not in a oh-my-gosh-I-can't-wait-to-get-you-in-the-sack,-our-connection-is-so-amazing way, but there is a special bond between us that I cherish, and we are both attracted to each other. However, when he approached me about crossing the lines of friendship, I wasn't ready.

After getting over the fear of how our friendship could end up, he had resolved within himself that taking that route would probably not be good for us or our friendship.

To add insult to injury, I have a friend that I learned slept with the same man as me, the one man I regretted being with. She slept with him after I was finally strong enough to tell him no. We didn't know it at the time. I had a feeling he would pursue her, but I didn't know if she'd take the bait. But she did.

Now, she's attracted to the same friend I am.

What she doesn't realize is, a few weeks ago, I almost recommended her to him as a potential dating prospect if he felt ready to go back out on the market. That was even before he and I talked about where we stood with each other. Now that he has resolved the issue of us within himself, and he's gotten to know her a little bit better, I think he is leaving himself open to the opportunity of something happening between them.

Part of me is happy about this. Like I said, I was about to recommend the woman to him, but I didn't want to feel like I was creating the moment in "Wedding Crashers" when the office girl told Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn) that she has a girlfriend to set him up with, so I didn't say anything. I feel if people are going to get together, then let it be on their own course. Why have some friend try to rush emotions to create an awkwardness?

But in the same aspect, I guess I'm a little bummed as well. I don't know if it's due to a bruised ego or jealousy. But I know it's small and something I'll get over. I'd be far more upset with my female friend for not going out with a man that she has a connection with and could possibly enjoy spending time with just because I had a little crush on him at one point in time. If he was my man or my husband, that would be different. But if they can find joy with each other, both individuals are my friends, and I like it when my friends are sincerely happy.

In short, today reality is hitting me. Today I feel very alone. Today I am very well aware that I am single and not spending time with the man I love.

But at the same time, I have some light joy flickering through the pain. I'm thankful to be blessed with beautiful people. I learned last night that my guy friend is far closer to me than I realized. I learned we really do have a connection and that we let each other see sides of ourselves we don't want to share with others, and that to me is special. Sex doesn't need to be added into that mix. I also learned that my female friend is rather loyal to me. I didn't really think we were that close until I realized she liked him as well. When she thought that he and I could have something between us, she made it a point to not flirt with him so he and I could figure things out between us, and was cheering for something to happen between him and I. It was if she had some loyalty to me and would rather not get to know him more so she could keep a friendship between us. For some reason that surprised me.

Not just with these two, but in the last week, I've learned that I have more friends than I thought. I knew I had many acquaintances. I didn't realize I have my own special place to call home in some hearts that I know.

These are some of the random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning... So much so that I'm not able to focus on work and felt I needed an outlet. I feel like crying.