Waste

Do you ever wake up and feel like you've done something wasteful with your life?

I feel like that today. I watched Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" today in memory of him, and it made me wonder what happened to me?

Someone once told me that a person's life happens in seven year cycles. What you do in that first year of the seven year block defines you for the next seven years.

I'm not willing to look too far back in my childhood, but from 14 - 21 years of age, I was a bit of a go-getter, dreamer, and helper. I was active in multiple clubs in high school, in church, and my parent's business. Though I was a rather crass young lady with emotional baggage, in many ways I was fearless and went after whatever I wanted. If a project I believed in needed help, I found the help it needed whether in number of bodies for labor, finding money, or doing the work myself. Though I called many people friend, I had a select number of people that I would have laid down my life for, and given them the clothes off my back if need be. In fact, the ones I can think, I would still do it for them today, even though I've lost touch with some.

Life threw hurdles at me and I broke through them. Some I jumped over. But I wasn't the most athletically inclined, so I just made it past the hurdle, and not always with grace.

Somewhere in college, around 21 years old, I got tired. In retrospect (since I can't quite remember my feelings at 21), I think I was spreading myself thin in so many directions: helping people, being involved in this and that, and trying to graduate college. So I slowed down. I chose to focus on graduating school and gave myself one (rather time consuming) side project/group to be part of. [some day I will not end sentences with prepositions, and today is not that day]

For the last 7 years I don't think I really pushed myself. I created fear within me. A fear of being tired, a fear of getting involved and putting so much of myself into something that I would get tired and spread myself too thin to function. So what was the result? Not being involved in much of anything. I took lead a couple of charity events at the candy shop a few years back, and that was it.

When I did those charity events on top of my regular work, I felt a rush. I felt a rush and a sense of accomplishment. They started off with me "helping" at the fundraisers. I eventually lead and organized one of the largest charity events at the store.

I will add the side note that I took on the large charity event for not the nicest of reasons. The lady who ran ALL charity and tax deduction like causes for the store had an attitude like the sky would crumble without her. She was about to cancel the largest fundraiser we provided for a worthy charity because she would be out sick for several weeks from a major surgery. Her offer to have someone take over while she was gone, wasn't really an offer, it was more like a challenge. So I took her challenge and doubled her average profits for that charity. I didn't do it alone. I had a wonderful team of people working with me to make everything possible. But again, there might have been some personal selfish gain in that one.

However, that moment reminded me of how I use to be a leader, and that I wasn't that bad at it. Yet what did I do with this reminder?... Not much. Once everything was over I went back to my regular duties.

So I'm in the first year of the next 7 year cycle. What have I really done? I feel like I'm not accomplishing my dreams of helping the masses like I had always envisioned as a kid. I do some good in the world. The kids who come into the shop with no money, but want a piece of candy, I'll give them creative projects to earn it. Then get rewarded with the glow on the child's face when handing her favorite lollipop to her. And the random little (yet not so little) thing of listening to a friend when he or she needs a sound board. But I'm not in any leadership roles. I don't organize groups of people to help themselves and others.

I work. I rest. I occasionally play.

So far in this new year I have done some well needed personal reflection and growth. Still a major work in progress, but progress nonetheless.

Yet, some days I feel selfish. I don't want set the stage for the next 7 years to be thinking about myself and my personal growth.

I want to combine my personal growth with helping the growth of others.

Writing that sentence felt daunting. I would like to have time management skills to balance out taking care of me; being happy at work, home, and with myself; and enjoying other people again.

I feel I have a lot to learn to do this. Many moons ago I did not take the opportunity to be an apprentice with the lollipop master. In this new year of my life, I would like to not pass up such opportunities... And more importantly, make those possibilities. I think I spent the last 7 years only taking an opportunity if it fell in my lap. I need to not wait for the window to open, but open it myself.

I'm scared to put this out into the universe... Or at least cyberspace because if I fail, then I will have failed at something very personal in front of others who could remind me of my failure. But maybe that's what I need. To achieve greatness and stand tall, one needs to fall and be humbled. Since physical coordination is not my strong point, I truly should not be afraid of falling. One thing I took away from Mr. Pausch's lecture is that sometimes you learn the most valuable lessons in life from not reaching your dream goals.

I guess the most important thing is to not forget to dream. It's ok to dream big.
Dreams are good.... minus nightmares with never ending stairs, clowns, and cute fuzzy bunnies dressed like evil business men chasing you with shackles.