Strength or Friendship?

This morning I awoke reminded of the tragedy that is my weakness. I understand lots of people have weaknesses or addictions, but one of my current ones is like being addicted to milk when you are lactose intolerant. It's as if I am weak to the temptation of having a glass of milk with cookies or cake when I know it will cause me to be puking ill and possibly break out in an awful rash afterwards. We will say what I have is a weakness for "chocolate".

Basically, I was wearing my veil of denial, when I met the person who would become, we shall say, my chocolate dealer. At first, I thought nothing of our meeting. We became that gray area of friends that fall between more than acquaintances but not close true friends. We hung out daily, usually had lunch together, talked about work, relationships, nonsense, etc. But not the type of friends that would be at the top of each other's dial-a-friend-when-in-need list.

Some events happened in my life about a year ago, and my gray area friend presented me with the opportunity to have chocolate. I knew it was wrong. I knew that I would be ill if I had any. But low and behold, I tasted it. And sure enough, I got physically ill from just a little taste. Not right away. In the aftermath, when I was home, alone, and hovering over the toilet. Yet for some reason, a slight inner part of me enjoyed chocolate in the moment, and began to want it. In short, I tormented myself.

Part of my torment was feeling like a hypocrite. This was a most painful rude awakening in my lack of self discipline and control. After years and years of telling others with a similar reaction to have enough will power to stay away from chocolate because it will cause illness afterwards, I felt God's sense of humor sweep down on me and knock me right on my tush.

However, I had redemption 6 months ago. I finally had the strength to do as Barbara Bush taught and just said no! But ever since my first taste, a bigger problem developed that wasn't just the mere chocolate. It was my relationship with my gray area friend who was now my dealer.

I tend to keep my veil of denial handy for just such situations, and it was in full use. I was in denial about my dealer as my friend. Or would it be my friend as my dealer? After one becomes your dealer, can that person be your friend anymore? Can I have a relationship without chocolate being involved?

I wanted the answer to be yes. An open confession is that I still do. But I guess when you think about it, how can one be sober and friends with one's dealer?

I went 6 months without so much as a taste of chocolate. Initially, my dealer would try to use a spray bottle and put a mist of chocolatein the air as I walked by, but I quickly whipped out my pocket-sized fan and didn't let the scent get to me. My dealer got the hint and acted like my gray area friend again. I have a feeling my dealer may have brought out the spray bottle more. But again, I was wearing my veil. I may have missed those attempts.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that when I stopped by my dealer's office, my dealer would have chocolate chips and bars sitting out in the open at the work area where we would visit. Then, I somehow let my dealer actually talk to me about chocolate and how nice it would be to try it again. Reminiscing about the times we shared chocolate together. I thought I was strong enough to handle this now.

I was wrong. Yesterday, for the first time, I caved. I took the slightest nibble of a chocolate chip... and whose hand fed it to me? My dealer. My gray area friend. My dealer, who would try to use the title of gray area friend, and say that my wishes for sobriety were being respected. But looking back now, how could that be? How can a dealer respect your wishes of sobriety when the dealer wants you to share chocolate with him or her. A dealer doesn't have to have an allergic reaction to chocolate or milk like I do. I feel mine believes this is the category to belong in. So my dealer can have all the chocolate my dealer wants and, only if using stupidity about quantity and time, maybe get the runs later. Or so my dealer thinks. I think my dealer has been hit by the short bus too many times.

In conclusion, I caved yesterday. But the part that irritates me more is that I'm angry with no one to blame. Why blame my dealer? I should have known better. My dealer may have wanted to be my gray area friend, but I guess this shows that once the line was crossed, my dealer is the dealer in this relationship. A friendship may be in there somewhere, but I think my dealer is addicted to sharing chocolate with me. That being said, how can my dealer be my gray area friend again?

I guess that's what disappoints me most. I'm disappointed in my veil. It obviously didn't hold up. My gray area friend showed the colors of a dealer, and I learned that I really have a hard time saying no to chocolate when it's gently brushed against my lips. I can say no when I avoid a situation like that, but I'm obviously weak in the situation.

I try to look on the positive side that I learned this about myself and my weaknesses. But it's a weakness I don't want to have. Ever! I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and wish to be stronger. Not to mention, I'm bummed about losing my gray area friend.

May no one else have to go through this decision of choosing strength for yourself over a friendship or illusion of a friendship.