Random Thoughts from a Spoiled Whiner

2008-11-12T16:04:00.009-07:00

Conversation Anger Issues

My apologies for the lack of posts of late. Whenever the cute random observations happen, I'm not near a computer to type them out. Or I'm being rather lethargic and don't post.

Not to mention, I feel quite angry lately. Not enough to go to therapy, but probably should. Maybe I should change the title of this blog to "Downward Spiral of a Candy Store Clerk". I know I'm not really that bad, nor am I pre-teen goth girl with too much black eye liner... The title of the blog shall remain.

Someone from my second job told me I was mean the other day because I let him know he had a "Here's your sign" moment.

Oh yeah. I now have a second job to make ends meet to help support myself and my family. I realize not every culture believes its the responsibility of the younger generation to take care of the older one, but someone's got to take care of my parents, and I am apparently the only one with enough discipline to do it. I digress...

On with my story:
For a not that exciting place, my second job is a little like Fort Knox with its security. Only when I'm working am I allowed to go down the dark concrete hallway (made lighter and more welcoming with white paint on the concrete) to the depth of the building where no cell phone can get reception because it's like being in a nuclear bunker. This is where I go to clock in and get paid. On the day I was being mean, a security guard saw me standing in the bunker, leaning against the appropriate wall for leaning, uniform in hand, waiting to clock in. He came up to me and asked "Are you working tonight?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and paused.

After I gave him a chance to realize what he said, I responded with something like "No, I just came to the area I'm not allowed to be in when not working, with my uniform in hand for giggles... Wanted to see if anyone would catch me."

That is when he realized he had a stupid moment. Since I'm somewhat friendly with him, I did offer a smile after my sarcastic deadpan remark, and politely in a friendly, joking manner informed him he had a "Here's Your Sign" moment. I figured he knew redneck humor, and I've seen Blue Collar Comedy during late night hours on Comedy Central. He could think I was relating to him. It worked.

Later in the evening, when he told other coworkers I had been mean to him, he said it with a smile like it was a joke between us. I felt safe.

When I attempted to relay the story to my family, I got as far as "My coworker said I was mean to him..." My cousin interrupted me with a sarcastic "What? Someone thought you were mean?" However, when she said it, she was trying to be cute and funny by implying that I'm always bleeping mean. I pondered this for a moment, and excused the comment because I realized, I am usually mean to her. But she needs a good verbal butt kicking every now and then. I don't do it to feel a sense of empowerment over another. Its simply that some people say too many stupid comments to the point one could wonder if sterilization may be a good option for them.

People at my regular job have noticed I haven't been that nice to clients on the phone. I start off nice, then they say something stupid, and I sound irritated with them and potentially a little patronizing. I use to fake it better.

Example: Company purchased a large order of Candy, decided to make arrangements for a payment plan for that order. I am now in charge of sending monthly letters to remind the company of their monthly payment until the bill is paid in full.

Third month into the payment plan I get a call:
Intelligent man: Hey, I got this letter from you saying you are wanting money or something from us. I gave that to you last month, we're done with that already.

Me: Yes, I received last month's payment. However, I need November and December's payment.

IM: (in a hostile and louder voice) Well you're not gonna get that! You're too late!

Me: How am I too late to receive November and December's payments?

IM: Our computers and accounting equipment were down.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. But whether the system is down or not, payments still need to be made. You can't get that fixed before the end of November? You have the rest of the month to get your payment to us.

IM: Oh you mean this November and December?!?

Me: (closes eyes, smacks head into free hand, while shaking head back and forth wondering why me) Yes, sir. This November and December's payments.

IM: (calmer and more relaxed like he knows what I'm talking about) Oh ok, so I'll send you last month's and this month's payments.

Me: (gripping any bit of sanity left in me) No, sir. I need this month's, which is November, and next month's, which is December's payments.

It's a screwy system they set up with this guy. If the payments weren't different for December from October, I would have let that comment slide. When I hung up the phone, my coworker commented about my lack of pleasantry on the phone. When I told her the full conversation, she wasn't willing to tell me I should be perkier or that my tone was justified. She simply shook her head and walked away.

I also had a guy call in an order and try to get me to describe myself on the phone. *Shrugs* Seriously, people?

He would randomly interject weird comments in the midst of a professional phone call regarding an order. He tried to play it off as a non-creepy request with "haven't you ever created a mental picture of the people you are talking to on the phone?" He then proceeded to tell me what he thought I looked like over the phone.

I couldn't help but wonder if he thought I looked like the teacher from Varsity Blues that ended up being the stripper for the "Hot for Teacher" song or if he thought I looked like Cathy from the old cartoon strip. But while he was talking, I wondered if he truly thought I was stupid enough to fall for what I believed was a trick. First he tried to get me to describe myself. I reminded him I was on a work phone and that did not pertain to the job at hand. He then continued with order, and eventually threw in his picture of what I looked like... Was he really expecting me to just be some giggly valley girl and answer "Oh no, silly I don't look like that, my hair color is this and I look like this." I deemed him a creepy moron...

He called back 5 minutes later because he googled my name and wanted to know if I was the person he read about who did this and that. I told him he sounded like a creepy stalker and asked if he needed anything else from the candy store.

I don't know if it's conversations like these that make me mean or sarcastic, or if they are bringing out that side of me which has always been present. Some people still give me compliments like they enjoy my company. They even sound sincere when they do it. Hopefully I give them a similar response.

2008-07-25T13:31:00.007-07:00

Waste

Do you ever wake up and feel like you've done something wasteful with your life?

I feel like that today. I watched Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" today in memory of him, and it made me wonder what happened to me?

Someone once told me that a person's life happens in seven year cycles. What you do in that first year of the seven year block defines you for the next seven years.

I'm not willing to look too far back in my childhood, but from 14 - 21 years of age, I was a bit of a go-getter, dreamer, and helper. I was active in multiple clubs in high school, in church, and my parent's business. Though I was a rather crass young lady with emotional baggage, in many ways I was fearless and went after whatever I wanted. If a project I believed in needed help, I found the help it needed whether in number of bodies for labor, finding money, or doing the work myself. Though I called many people friend, I had a select number of people that I would have laid down my life for, and given them the clothes off my back if need be. In fact, the ones I can think, I would still do it for them today, even though I've lost touch with some.

Life threw hurdles at me and I broke through them. Some I jumped over. But I wasn't the most athletically inclined, so I just made it past the hurdle, and not always with grace.

Somewhere in college, around 21 years old, I got tired. In retrospect (since I can't quite remember my feelings at 21), I think I was spreading myself thin in so many directions: helping people, being involved in this and that, and trying to graduate college. So I slowed down. I chose to focus on graduating school and gave myself one (rather time consuming) side project/group to be part of. [some day I will not end sentences with prepositions, and today is not that day]

For the last 7 years I don't think I really pushed myself. I created fear within me. A fear of being tired, a fear of getting involved and putting so much of myself into something that I would get tired and spread myself too thin to function. So what was the result? Not being involved in much of anything. I took lead a couple of charity events at the candy shop a few years back, and that was it.

When I did those charity events on top of my regular work, I felt a rush. I felt a rush and a sense of accomplishment. They started off with me "helping" at the fundraisers. I eventually lead and organized one of the largest charity events at the store.

I will add the side note that I took on the large charity event for not the nicest of reasons. The lady who ran ALL charity and tax deduction like causes for the store had an attitude like the sky would crumble without her. She was about to cancel the largest fundraiser we provided for a worthy charity because she would be out sick for several weeks from a major surgery. Her offer to have someone take over while she was gone, wasn't really an offer, it was more like a challenge. So I took her challenge and doubled her average profits for that charity. I didn't do it alone. I had a wonderful team of people working with me to make everything possible. But again, there might have been some personal selfish gain in that one.

However, that moment reminded me of how I use to be a leader, and that I wasn't that bad at it. Yet what did I do with this reminder?... Not much. Once everything was over I went back to my regular duties.

So I'm in the first year of the next 7 year cycle. What have I really done? I feel like I'm not accomplishing my dreams of helping the masses like I had always envisioned as a kid. I do some good in the world. The kids who come into the shop with no money, but want a piece of candy, I'll give them creative projects to earn it. Then get rewarded with the glow on the child's face when handing her favorite lollipop to her. And the random little (yet not so little) thing of listening to a friend when he or she needs a sound board. But I'm not in any leadership roles. I don't organize groups of people to help themselves and others.

I work. I rest. I occasionally play.

So far in this new year I have done some well needed personal reflection and growth. Still a major work in progress, but progress nonetheless.

Yet, some days I feel selfish. I don't want set the stage for the next 7 years to be thinking about myself and my personal growth.

I want to combine my personal growth with helping the growth of others.

Writing that sentence felt daunting. I would like to have time management skills to balance out taking care of me; being happy at work, home, and with myself; and enjoying other people again.

I feel I have a lot to learn to do this. Many moons ago I did not take the opportunity to be an apprentice with the lollipop master. In this new year of my life, I would like to not pass up such opportunities... And more importantly, make those possibilities. I think I spent the last 7 years only taking an opportunity if it fell in my lap. I need to not wait for the window to open, but open it myself.

I'm scared to put this out into the universe... Or at least cyberspace because if I fail, then I will have failed at something very personal in front of others who could remind me of my failure. But maybe that's what I need. To achieve greatness and stand tall, one needs to fall and be humbled. Since physical coordination is not my strong point, I truly should not be afraid of falling. One thing I took away from Mr. Pausch's lecture is that sometimes you learn the most valuable lessons in life from not reaching your dream goals.

I guess the most important thing is to not forget to dream. It's ok to dream big.
Dreams are good.... minus nightmares with never ending stairs, clowns, and cute fuzzy bunnies dressed like evil business men chasing you with shackles.

2008-04-16T13:17:00.005-07:00

Milk/Advertisement Update

I realize some may question me on this, but I do not feel I am obsessed with milk. After my rancid milk experience, I question purchasing milk at the local cafeteria near work.

Today I was in need of some protein for breakfast. On my quest, I met a red-headed fairy princess, who tends to wear mostly black and dark colored clothing. She gave me honey almond flax "Go Lean Crunch!: Protein & Fiber cereal". I've never had it before, but felt it was worth a try. Instead of trying my salvation protein ala carte, I ventured to the cafeteria waste land (which was fined heavily by the health inspector, big violations included weevils and rodent droppings).

To play it safe, I purchased a bottle of name brand milk versus using the dispensers. Since the refrigerator area was not well stocked, my options were Land O' Lakes Grip N' Go chocolate or whole milk. I opted for whole.

While eating my surprisingly scrumptious cereal, I noticed this logo on the bottle:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! "Milk on the fly!" with a winged cow. After seeing such things, I looked at the ingredients to see if Red Bull was associated to it. No such luck. Supposedly there is only milk and vitamin D3.

I must confess, I don't know what "ultra-pasteurized" means. For all I know it could mean the cows are part borg.

Seriously, when was the last time someone viewed a show on modern large dairies? The the way the cows are hooked up to the milking equipment looks like they are being assimilated.

However, my reason for writing was to share that I think the "Milk on the Fly!" logo is awesome! It helped make my breakfast experience that much more worthwhile this morning.

I wish you all worthwhile meals! Enjoy!

PS- I'm surprised at how easy it was to include a photo. Didn't realize it was so simple. :)

2007-09-14T07:45:00.001-07:00

Random Not-so-cheerful Ramblings

Today is not a cute day. Yesterday was, but not today. Yesterday I was tired of being sad and tired, and decided I'm going to curl my hair and wear a dress to work. I don't know if the dress, hair, and make-up had anything to do with it, but the day felt surreal. I knew the things that I'm sad about were still present, but they were pushed aside for a day. I got a little teary during the evening, but for the most part, it was a good day.

Today.... Today I wake up and feel like a load of bricks is sitting on my chest. It's almost amazing to have such a feeling without my breasts also being crushed by the weight. But no, somehow they are fine. It's as if the bricks have managed to sit between them and on my diaphragm, and the pain distributes underneath it all. It sucks.

I know I've made the right decisions. However, I don't recall anyone telling me that right decisions give you an instant feeling of "Yippee!". Doing what's in your heart of hearts can still leave you feeling bitter, angry, resentful, and crappy. The difference between the right decision and the wrong decision is that those feelings are only on the surface for right ones, and at the core for wrong.

One, my relationship with the love of my life is over. I was finally strong enough to say good bye. I love him, and loved him more than any man I know. He's felt the same with me. The most devastating part is we grew apart. Our relationship took the wrong kind of work. It wasn't healthy, and it was time to end. So I did it. I think I even surprised him. I don't think he realized I would have the strength to leave. I feel he thought I would hang on until he was ready to move on and have to cut the strings himself. But for my sanity, I let go....and it hurts.

On top of that, not that I'm ready, but I'm attracted to another man. Not in a oh-my-gosh-I-can't-wait-to-get-you-in-the-sack,-our-connection-is-so-amazing way, but there is a special bond between us that I cherish, and we are both attracted to each other. However, when he approached me about crossing the lines of friendship, I wasn't ready.

After getting over the fear of how our friendship could end up, he had resolved within himself that taking that route would probably not be good for us or our friendship.

To add insult to injury, I have a friend that I learned slept with the same man as me, the one man I regretted being with. She slept with him after I was finally strong enough to tell him no. We didn't know it at the time. I had a feeling he would pursue her, but I didn't know if she'd take the bait. But she did.

Now, she's attracted to the same friend I am.

What she doesn't realize is, a few weeks ago, I almost recommended her to him as a potential dating prospect if he felt ready to go back out on the market. That was even before he and I talked about where we stood with each other. Now that he has resolved the issue of us within himself, and he's gotten to know her a little bit better, I think he is leaving himself open to the opportunity of something happening between them.

Part of me is happy about this. Like I said, I was about to recommend the woman to him, but I didn't want to feel like I was creating the moment in "Wedding Crashers" when the office girl told Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn) that she has a girlfriend to set him up with, so I didn't say anything. I feel if people are going to get together, then let it be on their own course. Why have some friend try to rush emotions to create an awkwardness?

But in the same aspect, I guess I'm a little bummed as well. I don't know if it's due to a bruised ego or jealousy. But I know it's small and something I'll get over. I'd be far more upset with my female friend for not going out with a man that she has a connection with and could possibly enjoy spending time with just because I had a little crush on him at one point in time. If he was my man or my husband, that would be different. But if they can find joy with each other, both individuals are my friends, and I like it when my friends are sincerely happy.

In short, today reality is hitting me. Today I feel very alone. Today I am very well aware that I am single and not spending time with the man I love.

But at the same time, I have some light joy flickering through the pain. I'm thankful to be blessed with beautiful people. I learned last night that my guy friend is far closer to me than I realized. I learned we really do have a connection and that we let each other see sides of ourselves we don't want to share with others, and that to me is special. Sex doesn't need to be added into that mix. I also learned that my female friend is rather loyal to me. I didn't really think we were that close until I realized she liked him as well. When she thought that he and I could have something between us, she made it a point to not flirt with him so he and I could figure things out between us, and was cheering for something to happen between him and I. It was if she had some loyalty to me and would rather not get to know him more so she could keep a friendship between us. For some reason that surprised me.

Not just with these two, but in the last week, I've learned that I have more friends than I thought. I knew I had many acquaintances. I didn't realize I have my own special place to call home in some hearts that I know.

These are some of the random thoughts that are going through my mind this morning... So much so that I'm not able to focus on work and felt I needed an outlet. I feel like crying.

2007-06-28T20:43:00.003-07:00

Rancid Milk!!

Some of you may remember my irritation with a particular cafeteria and its milk. Before, I was bitter about the poor signs regarding the price of said milk. This time.....way worse.

Again, I decide I'm in the mood to have some cereal as I partake in morning coffee with my coworkers. The milk dispensing machine with two options "whole milk" and "2% Milk" wasn't working. Therefore, I went to the milk dispenser that is meant for coffee. It has 4 smaller dispensers within it for half & half, 2% milk, whole milk, and skim milk. I poured some 2% milk on my cereal and went outside to sit on the patio with my coworkers.

I take the first bite and realize I accidentally picked out regular Cheerios instead of Honey-Nut Cheerios. That irked me.

I took a couple more bites. Still didn't taste right. By that third bite I was sensing a sour taste. By the fourth one, I spit it out and confirmed it. I smelled my bowl of cereal. Something was awry.

I took a spoonful of the milk and tried to get one of my coworkers, the chef, to smell it. I figured if someone would know if milk is bad, it would be a professional chef. He wouldn't do it.

I turned to the maintenance man, he dipped his pinky into the milk on the spoon, tasted it, and said, "Yep. It's bad."

Needless to say. I was not happy. They thought I was bad when they overcharged me for milk, let's see what they think when THEY SELL ME RANCID, SOUR MILK!!!!!!!

I did have composure and was not completely nasty. But I went to the cashier lady, and instead of telling her to get the blind, inconsiderate manager/owner for me to speak with, I flat out told her that she sold me cereal with rancid milk and I'm going to throw it away and get something else in exchange. I didn't waste my time asking.

By the time I got my eggs and ham from the short order grill, I realized that my profanity and irritation for this sad excuse for a new, state-of-the-art cafeteria was sinking in. Luckily, the short order cook likes me and actually apologized for my experience.

Speaking of which, when I told the young lady at the cash register about the milk (by the way, before she started ringing people up, she was the one changing the milk in the milk dispensing machines) that the milk was rancid, she actually winced a bit of a smile. That "Oh that sucks, but it's kind of funny" smile. Not to mention, she DIDN'T apologize for providing me with spoiled milk.

After my mind wrapped around my irritation while at the grill area, I went back to the cashier, who was currently preparing coffee, and told her I was going to have my food for free (versus paying the difference from what I paid earlier). I didn't give her the option to say no. She agreed.

As I sat down, I realized I still paid for my food, in a sense, since I didn't get my money back, but I didn't pay much. And the cereal was cheaper than what I ended up with.

Since this cafeteria is the closest food to work, I'm not completely at the point of boycotting entirely. But I've now limited myself to the short order grill, where I watch my food being prepared in front of me or the prepackaged food that is shipped into the cafeteria.

*mutters* Stupid rancid milk...

2007-06-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

Retardedness Wall Has Been Demolished

Well, that took much longer than I expected. I've practically forgot what I planned on writing. But I finally remembered my password, so I could continue on.

First off, I'd like to say hello to A Woman Under the Influence and Harold. I'm glad to see the works of HeidiHaru happening again.

I'll see how quick I can do this since I just found out my ride is on his way to get me, and I haven't even packed yet.

Today's randomness...

Do you ever notice how it seems like you're being tested or reminded of the answers to your inner questions?

For instance, I'm in love with a man. I've been in love with him for a long time. We haven't always been on the same page as we've tried to grow up as individuals and as a couple, but neither of us can deny the love between us.

Yet, sometimes I have doubt. I think my doubt really stems from a fear of being wrong. As in, I choose him for the long term, and after I've made that decision that he's the one I want to be with and raise a family with, and we start down that path, and then BAM, I find someone else who fits that description better, but I already made the commitment to this one.
Yes, I have issues. We don't always need to state the obvious... Despite the fact I do it so well.

I've noticed lately I've been wondering about this man. I'm not ready for marriage or anything, but we've been dating for awhile, and I've been curious if we're going to continue on a way of together, or if we aren't and need to nip this in the bud and move on.

Then it dawned on me last night or this morning that the powers that be tend to show/remind me of the answer. As I've been considering monogamy with this man (I've been monogamous, but with that beginning dating intention of dating others in the beginning if the opportunity presented itself. It didn't.)...Anyway, as I've been considering monogamy with this man, I had two attractive men approach me for dating or more than friendship.

Both good looking men. Both charming men (one more sex appeal, the other more sarcastic with a quick wit). And in the end, I realized that I wouldn't want to ruin the good thing I have going with the man who meets so many of the qualities I enjoy in a counterpart to be with either.

In the end, it seemed like I was given a reminder whether I thought I needed one or not. I don't know if others have this moment.

I just found out my ride has arrived, and I have no clothes packed. I will clean this up and edit it later.

Take care everyone.

2007-05-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Not that Cheerful

This is just a warning. If anyone wants to read a cute little random moment, then I don't recommend reading this post. I had a great one the other day, but didn't get the chance to write it down, so now it's not as fresh in my mind.

As for today... I'm really sad today. I guess I'm going on almost a full week of sadness. I think it will be officially a full week by this afternoon. I think I emotionally snapped last Tuesday. No major event happened. It was one of those "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of things. Since last Tuesday afternoon, I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't cried or felt like crying.

I cried last week during work a couple of times. No good reason. I was stocking shelves and doing inventory sheets. I realize this could make some people cry, but not me. Not usually. Today I got to work early, did not put on all my make-up, and every time I think about applying my eye make-up, I hold back. Why look like something from Tales from the Crypt if it runs? So I hold back. I haven't cried yet today. My day just started. But I feel like it.

I have a feeling about what is assisting in this sadness. I believe it could possibly be two things. One, last Tuesday I realized how angry I am that someone/corporation is taking advantage of me and I'm preparing to go to the mattresses. Two, I realized Sunday I need to talk with a particular person, and haven't had the chance to talk with that person yet. The two items are associated to each other, but they are not one and the same.

Item one has the potential to not be a quick battle. Item two I think has been eating me because I know I need to carry on the conversation, and we haven't had a chance to sit down and talk since then. Granted, this is only the second morning since Sunday night. *sigh* Hopefully we can talk tomorrow. :(

Well, the other drones are calling. I better leave my cubby hole before someone locates it.

Please take care fair readers. G'day.

2007-04-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Quote of the day I decided to share with others:

It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

2007-04-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've had plenty to ramble about lately, I just haven't found...er...made the time to ramble about it.

So here is a random good Samaritan thing for everyone.
Take care

"Hi, all you animal lovers.

This is pretty simple.. Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on the purple box "fund food for animals" for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com "

2007-02-07T14:47:00.000-07:00

A New Business Plan

First, an update to the stupid work stuff that I let get to me.

I went to the doctor for a check up regarding a problem I've had for the past few months. I went there on Monday after the stressful meetings with bosses and HR to figure out what to do if my work problem becomes harassment.

That afternoon, I go to see the doctor (who ended up not being there). The nurse checked my vitals, looked at me concerned, and told me my blood pressure was high. Every time I'd been there in the last 3 months that was not a problem. I'm not even in my thirties yet, and that day I had high blood pressure!

Maybe I should take up yoga. Then, once I learn the art of yoga and lollipop making, maybe I can incorporate the two. That could be a fun, relaxing work out with the reward of a well earned lollipop at the end. Once I really hone my skill, I could have my protégés teach the classes while I have a small stand in the lobbies of the Cirque du Soleil shows. I would mix human contortionism with lollipop making. It would be an art that was unappreciated in its own time, except at Cirque du Soleil.

I have found a new mission. Let's see if I choose to accept it...And possibly before someone else does.

Granted, if someone else does it faster, I wouldn't mind some royalties for the idea. Who knows? Maybe we could work together on how to fine tune and make it the best yogi-lollipop exercise shop around. Then, our next stop would be marketing, and having t-shirts with a profile of person standing on one leg, while the other leg goes from behind to over her head holding a lollipop stick over a vat of syrup. Then we'd move on to other hard candies and baked goods, build up enough of a fan base that we begin a franchise business and become as large as, dare I say it, STARBUCKS!!

Eh... I think I like the idea of having my little stand outside the Cirque du Soleil show. Then it's still simple, personal, and quality. Plus if I got with the touring group, I could travel and see the world. Yep, guess this means I should start the company first.

I wonder how much it costs to take yoga classes?

2007-01-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Lesbian Conspiracy?

Disclaimer: Prepare for rant.

I actually had a complaint issued about me at work. I don't quite know when the actual complaint took place. I just know I went on vacation for a week around the winter holidays, my boss went on vacation the week I came back, and he informed me of the complaint his first day back from vacation. So the complaint could have happened during my one week back from vacation, or it could have took place sooner, and the superiors on high did not tell my boss about the complaint for at least couple of weeks. Therefore, I feel it took place during the one week I was at work and my boss was on vacation.

Here are the events as I know them.

At the end of my boss's first day back at work from vacation, he took me outside for a walk. On this walk he informed me that someone issued a complaint about me to my boss's boss's boss, and it worked its way down the chain to him, and he now needed to tell me.

The complaint issued was in regard to my "socializing". In particular, my socializing in a completely different department than mine with one particular employee on the other side of the building. Someone in her department decided to issue a concern to my department head regarding my spending time over there. The complainant was concerned about my productivity.

My boss assured me that he had no problem with me as an employee and told his boss that he had no complaints about me. He let me know that he noticed I get my work done efficiently and on time, and he was happy with me. He didn't know who has it out for me.

I let my boss know that I found it interesting that the complaint dealt with visiting that one particular person considering I rarely get to chat with her anymore. Not to mention, she and I had been on vacation recently, and she was out sick part of the week I returned to work.

Since I had been back at work, I only visited her office, longer than the average smoke break, one time to talk about our vacations. We made up the time at the end of the day by staying at work longer. My boss smiled. He realizes I am not one for trying to cheat the candy store out of work hour money.

I also let my boss know that I found the timing of the complaint interesting.

For a complaint to go to my department head, that would mean the complaint came from the department head of the "other" department.

Here is when we go into back story.

Back Story 1) I use to work for the other department at the candy store. While there, I accidentally upset the woman who is now the department head. Since I wanted to learn more about making lollipops, and was not getting that training there, I moved to a different department to see if I could learn more of what I wanted.

Back Story 2) When I travel, I like to go to unique shops or restaurants that are associated to the area. For instance, when I travel up north, I like the local breweries, where I can only get that beer when I travel in that local area. Over the summer, I was talking with a woman, who is not dating the "other" department head (they just live in the same apt. complex (now), go to each other's family homes, and take vacations together). She is also a wine and beer person. I told her about my excursions and how I bring back red wines from unique little wineries for another lady at work who is a wine connoisseur. After our talks, I let her know if I saw a bottle of her favorite wine or beer from one of those obscure places, I would pick up a bottle for her.

With that history set, while on my holiday break, I happened upon a unique little winery that actually sold the lady's favorite wine. So I bought a bottle.

I came back to work, gave her the bottle. When she received it she chuckled to herself, smiled, and said how she almost forgot about our conversation from the summer. Morale: the chick remembered our discussion, i.e. I wasn't trying to get in her pants by buying her a bottle of wine.

Within one week of giving this department head's non-girlfriend the bottle. I had a complaint issued regarding my visiting on that side of the floor.

So I laid low.

One work day shy of 4 weeks after my immediate supervisor told me of the first complaint, after going to the "other" department for minimal "hellos" and occasional work related things, I get another complaint to my department head for walking on that side of the floor.

At first, I thought it was funny. By the second notice, getting a little pissed off. I let my boss know if I get one more complaint without supporting documentation, I'm going to consider it harassment; and that I am being singled out as an employee and not allowed to walk in areas of the building. It would be one thing, if this was the FBI or something and it was a matter of security because I was walking in areas where I did not have a security clearance to be at... But come on! It's a CANDY STORE!

Needless to say, I let it get to me. I'm slightly sad about this. I feel better that my immediate supervisor has let me know he is supporting me and acknowledges me as a valued employee, but it still hurts that his bosses don't even bother to acknowledge that their employee really is a good employee. They just pass along the message that someone has a problem with me and the problem should be solved by limiting my right to walk through the building.

Not to mention, that yesterday, I noticed a woman from the other department (has the reputation of a narc) watch me go to the restroom! The restrooms are the halfway point between my work area and my former work area (the "other" department) where I know people. The woman walked passed me on my way to the restroom, I decided when I hit the door to look back to see if she's watching me, and SHE COMPLETED A U-TURN to watch me. I made eye contact and gave her a snotty smile. When I made eye contact, she averted her eyes, and turned back around to her original direction. The woman just walked in a "S" pattern, NOT watching to see if I continued past the restroom to the work area someone doesn't like seeing me walk through.

Needless to say, it's frustrating right now. I've felt better today because I talked with my immediate supervisor and let him know that if I hear about one more unsubstantiated claim, and asked to act differently than my fellow employees, I'm considering it harassment. He agreed and told me he had my back.

In the end, it could be someone else over there who has a problem with me, and the wine gift has nothing to do with the claims. I just happen to notice the coincidence that within 5 weeks of giving the non-girlfriend a bottle of wine, her department head (and non-girlfriend as well) has called my department head twice saying someone in her department is complaining about how much time I spend in that area. (Which, by the way, is not anywhere near inappropriate or an abuse of work time!)

So that is my venting. Not as cute as other times, but my venting.

Oh by the way, on a positive note, the lady in the cafeteria with the poor signage for milk now apparently likes me and attempts to hook me up with deals. I don't know how that happened, but I'm now in her good graces. She's still kind of slow at cashiering, but I randomly get the hook up on some food or soda.

So that's the positive note to end on. May everyone get the blessing of having the random girl who thought you gave her the smack down, eventually turn around to enjoy you as a person.

2007-01-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

A New Year of Random Ramblings

Might as well ring in the new year correctly with random thoughts that don't have much to do with each other.

Hello All, Sorry for the delay.

Here are my thoughts for today. Do any of you ever get crazy dreams you just wake up and wonder "what the...?" when you think about the bits and pieces you remember.

Well that's been happening to me lately. It feels like it's been quite a long time since I had weird dreams, but for the past week or so, I've had an active subconscious.

I only remember the end of one odd dream that took place before last night, so I can't add most of them to this, and really I don't remember much of last night's/this morning's dream either.

I just remember that I was actually dreaming about new coworkers.

It was like we were at my dad's house, but we weren't. In the dream I could have sworn I was telling people it was my dad's house. It had a feeling like being his home, but when I think about it after I'm awake, it looks absolutely like no home I am aware of seeing.

Also, this dream distinctly had two coworkers I don't recall ever dreaming about before. One of them is like a team leader type of person, like a head cashier. Not really a boss, but the team leader you should listen to when it comes to cashiering updates. The other was a coworker I actually banter and enjoy hanging out with at work.

All I remember is that we were either working or out and about in the world. Then I remember us being in a room upstairs... This is where it's weird. It felt like it was upstairs, like an attic room. Yet, there was a door to the outside, like it opened up to a parking lot, and something like a strip mall was right next door when you stepped outside and looked to your right.

So the one I joke around with is rather perverted. Insanely intelligent, but definitely one for the crude and dirty jokes. He's got a twisted sense of humor. This could be why I enjoy his company.
Anyway. The three of us are in the bedroom, myself sitting on the bed with my back propped against the headboard, the two of them standing near the foot of the bed on my side and we are just chatting away about nothing important that I recall. Then, I forgot what I said, I asked for something, not sexual, and all of a sudden my buddy pulled off his pants and hopped in bed. I didn't see anything I shouldn't. He had a faded, well worn, buttoned-down, long sleeve denim shirt on, with a t-shirt (which I think could have been maroon, can't confirm this) underneath, and a dingy baseball cap on his head. The shirts hung low enough to just see legs. I looked at him like "Why on earth did you just get in bed w/ me with no pants on?" since I knew him without pants wasn't going to help with what I asked for, and he didn't act like he was about to do something sexual either. His response was this somewhat hurt expression similar to one of a little kid who tried to be thoughtful and found out he did something wrong. Like a little boy who just gave a bouquet of flowers to his mom, not realizing he just tore up her garden to give them to her. His response, "I didn't want to get the bed dirty." In other words, he thought his jeans were too dusty and dirty and he didn't want to mess things up.

Then we bantered about something, and the next thing I know, someone like my mom is at the door, and as I'm talking to her, the guys talk about how we need to head out and get back to work. So while I'm talking to her about something, I realize they are all packed up and out at the truck, and I can't seem to find clothes I find acceptable to wear to work in this bag that I guess is mine.
Next...I wake up.

I don't know why, but waking up to this kept with me throughout the morning.

Yet, it doesn't feel as disturbingly weird as the dream I woke up to this weekend.

This is all I can remember from that one (and this is just from the last time I woke up. Each time I woke up the dreams just got weirder, so I stopped trying to go back to sleep):

I was cooking. I was making a couple of dishes for dinner. Then my friend decided he was going to cook something (or I realized he was on the other side of the kitchen cooking main meat like entree). So it worked out that my dishes, like mac and cheese or chili and some vegetable (can't remember, I know noodles and cheese were involved) would be side dishes. Yet, for some reason, when I put the noodles in some pot to boil or something, the pot was dirty. It seemed as if the pot was used to make chili and wasn't cleaned out, so there were remnants of it in there now with my food. I noticed this after putting my macaroni noodles in there. Then somehow I guess there was some sort of cheese sauce in there. I thought I had something on the side I was going to put the noodles in once they were ready, so I didn't want that stuff to affect them too much. Therefore, I just kept stirring the noodles to make sure the other stuff didn't stick too much. But it was like it was being this incredibly thick cheese w/ chili sauce I just kept stirring the noodles in, and I was hoping it wouldn't become that, and I kept trying to stir it to help it not thicken up into something, and the more I kept stirring, the more it kept becoming some thick Mac & Cheese with light chili sauce thing that I didn't want... Then the alarm went off, and I woke up.

So what has the new year brought me so far? Weird dreams and the reality of my weight gain I need to get control over.

And for those who remember my older posts, the chance to work with the candy making masters did not work out. I am no lollipop grasshoppa. But my current boss sees my potential to be more than what he can offer me at the store. So along with defending me to those who care more about image than productivity, he apparently has connections in the candy world and said he would ask some friends he knows if they have any openings for candy apprentices.
We'll see how that goes.

Other than that, I feel confusion with love. My old flame that has never really extinguished seems as if he is trying to have the fire light again. We even seem to be getting some of our connection back.

The morning w/ the weird dreams (including the cooking one), I finally got fed up with going back to sleep. I decided to focus on a random thought or day dream. Since I was laying in bed next to my potential, I decided to think about the possibility of being with another, to see if I could do it.

Well, after about 30-40 minutes of not being able to get past flirting, my old flame did a head jerk and looked over at me for a second. As he was putting his head back down, he asked me what's wrong at the same time I asked him.

Me: You're the one who just jerked up and looked at me. I'm just laying here. What's wrong with you?

Him: You feel weird.

Me: What do you mean?

Him: I don't know, you feel weird. You have a weird vibe and I've been awake for like 40 minutes. Don't touch me.

I don't know why, but I found this amusing. Apparently me trying to think about flirting with another man while laying next to him actually woke him up. It's something I've noticed.

That, and his ability to banter about us having children again. We haven't talked like that in quite a long time. To me, it's the affection and talking about us being together in the future is what's giving me the hint that he's considering a future between us. However, no conversation about anything has taken place.

Other than that, today is a new day. I began writing this post yesterday. I feel I've jumped topic plenty that hopefully I will remember some other ones for a different posting day. I have a bit of a sore throat today and actually drank tea. I'm not much of a tea drinker. I have tea, but there is only about one tea I prefer to drink, and this wasn't it. My sister recommended a mint tea with Cayenne pepper, honey, and lemon for my swollen throat. All I can say is that it doesn't feel swollen anymore, and doesn't quite hurt. Not to mention, I can still feel the mint in the back of my throat hours later.

I hope everyone is doing well. For those who actually do new year's resolutions, I hope you are sticking to them. I'm sure I should have some. I currently have one. It's associated to being more healthy and weight reduction. We'll see how that pans out.

I hope everyone has wonderful days ahead of them. If you don't, let me know. I'm sure we can find ways to thump people over the head with sticks, paint some pottery, or something to make things better.

2006-11-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Slacking & Strange Men

Sorry I've been slacking at my entries lately. I've actually been quite busy lately. Somewhat due to work, somewhat due to trying not to drown in the overwhelmingness of debt, and somewhat due to actually making time to visit with people I enjoy.

As for the strange men comment, I'm here asking for comments. I believe common sense is giving me a red flag, but just thought I'd throw this out to others to see what you think.

I was at work a couple of weeks ago and a customer decided he wanted to flirt with me. I could be stereotyping, but I could tell he was a New Yorker, and not just by the accent. He had this forward and slightly aggressive, but not in a creepy way, moxy about him.

When he first approached me, he seemed as if he was prepping to negotiate a deal. He wanted to know if he and his two friends could have some extra samples. It was the end of the night, and I was closing up shop, so I could care less and told him yes. After he and his friends wandered around the store, he would keep coming back to me to talk and flirt with me. At one point in time he kissed my hand.
My response:

I already told you that you and your friends could have the samples, there's no need to keep buttering me up.

But he continued to talk to me and tell me how it wasn't about the candy anymore he was interested in me, and how he could sense I was a good person, and something about my ability to make eye contact and smile. (This part to be continued later)

By the end of the night, I decided I would give him my home number. The last couple of first dates turned me off from dating for awhile. But I figured it's about time I started again, and he intrigued me. I thought he seemed sweet and interesting enough to give him a chance outside of my workplace. The only thing that was a red flag then was the Fever Pitch-ness about him. I figured he must have more to him since he still seemed interested after I told him I didn't follow the NBA, and he didn't act like someone who just wanted to get in my pants. Don't get me wrong, I do realize that is a goal, but he actually seemed interested in me as well.

Man Stats:

in his 30s,
a personal trainer, and
apparently does some modeling. I figured his modeling must be associated to his body that was hiding under a giant basketball jersey when I met him, because his face seemed....ok.... Not bad, not oh my god, I'm going to cream myself looking at your face.
NBA team fan, potentially to a "Fever Pitch" point.

I gave him my home number instead of my cell because I'm one of those people who moves from place to place quite often but keeps the same cell number. I figured if he ended up not being worth it, that number could always be disconnected. :)

That night he let me know he would call me when he left so I could have his number on my phone. This was on a Wednesday night. I closed the shop the next two nights, so I didn't check my messages until Saturday morning. By then he had called twice.

I spoke to him for a briefly right before I left town for the weekend. It just so happens that a guy was interested in me right when I was too busy to see anyone for almost 2 weeks.

I know this has been a long set up, but now we are getting to the parts that concerned me.

Things that concerned me with our first phone conversation (not in any specific order):

1) He seemed pouty that I waited two days to call him.
2) He also seemed butt hurt that I wouldn't give him my cell number.
3) After I told him I wouldn't give him my cell number, later in the conversation he told me to program his number into my cell and call him if I had a chance while out of town over the weekend. (This made me wonder if he saw blonde roots or something? Is he for real, what part of not giving you my cell says I'm going to call you from it?)
4) He actually talked about the possibility of us ever getting married, and if I ever married him things would be like... yada yada yada.
5) He wanted my email address so he could send me some modeling photos of himself. He really wanted me to look at them before I went away for the weekend, but since I left about 10 minutes after our conversation, I got to the pics by Tuesday-ish.
6) He kept mentioning the connection between us and my eye contact and smile. (By then I made the smart ass comment that maybe I was just good at my job, customer service and hospitality are part of it. Wouldn't you think eye contact and smiling could be quality traits in that area. He went quiet).
7*) His feeling to discuss an NBA team with me like I cared, when I could have sworn I let him know I wasn't a big fan of the NBA general, let alone that team.
* When I met him, he had just gone to an NBA game, and his team won. I got the impression from this guy that he could be like Jimmy Fallon's character in Fever Pitch, but for a NBA team, not the Red Sox.

The first phone call made him sound a little needy. The man sounded like he was going to explode or something if he had to wait two weeks before we could have a real evening date, and coming to my work for lunch didn't seem like that great of an option. I mean, I realize some women could find it sweet that a guy showed her that much attention, I wasn't quite feeling that from him.

THEN, I got the email. *dramatic pause* Two out of the four pictures he sent me were underwear shots! I haven't even gone on a date with the man, I had only met him once, had one phone call with him, and he sent me modeling shots of him wearing nothing but briefs (one shot in black and white, one shot in color)! [Random side note: It's really hard to be good and not post those pictures on here to show you what I'm talking about.]

He had a nice bod, but still... Does this seem odd to anyone else? That's when I began to feel mixed signals. The guy always talked about connection, personality, real long lasting relationships, but those pictures made me think that maybe he was trying to go for something else.

Anyone else want to chime in on this?

I have talked to him one other time since the email. I have not gone out on the first date yet. I'm trying to hold out and give him a chance in person, but now I'm getting the strong impression that maybe I shouldn't even bother.

Concerns with conversation two:
1) He was trying to make me feel guilty for not calling him for days and that I still hadn't seen him.
2) He asked me if he had earned the right to have my cell number, I told him no. Later on he asked me to send him a text message while I was out of town again. (Yes, I was such a happening chick, I was out of town two weekends in a row purely for fun.)

In the end, I don't get out much in the dating world. I'm going with my instincts on this one, but just for group discussion, doesn't this guy sound a bit off?

I'm sure he's a great guy and could make some girl very happy, I'm just not getting the vibe anymore that I will be that girl.

Lesson Learned: Really think and rethink giving a customer your phone number when at work.

2006-11-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement

I feel this is an important video that many people can learn from. Think of it as an early Christmas present to help everyone have a chance at a healthier holiday w/ family, friends, and/or loved ones.

May the knowledge spread. :D

http://www.coughsafe.com/media.html

2006-10-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Fun

I've decided this is a fun Halloween game, or at least to me.

Enjoy!

http://www.dedge.com/flash/hangman/index.html

2006-10-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

Lack of a Strong Day

Sorry readers, I feel as if I should publish a post because some time has passed.

I'm going "off the cuff" today, so this could potentially be like one of those diary journal entry type of blogs. My apologizes. But it could shape into something.

On a random side note, it's been awhile since I've written a short story. I'm trying to get the creative juices flowing enough to write one for a friend of mine. That's all she's wanted as a gift from me for years, and I haven't done it yet. I'm thinking this year could be the year. So I'd like to write a story for her by Christmas.
That seems so much easier said than done. I know I need a plot or a thesis statement to roll with, but my mind just becomes a blank at that. When I'm driving or not able to write ideas down, I get fabulous scenes and dialogues in my head, but nothing to put down in a "story" with a beginning or an end. I am feeling the writer's block swing at my head. Oh well.

Also, I would just like to add a reality check to my positive quotes. I keep them. I look at them. I try to live by some of them. However, today is not a strong day.

Today is one of those days where I have a hard time keeping myself together, and worst of all, keeping myself together in public. I went back to the stock room to get some boxes for the front of the shop, and I could barely sign out the boxes without tears rolling down my face in front of the stock room boy.

Do you ever have those days? You realize you could be worse off? You realize you could be blind, limb-less, starving on a street corner... Or not even on a street corner, you could be out feeling that way in the middle of nowhere without the countless amount of people walking by ignoring your struggle feeling you probably got there because you're a crack head. Yet knowing things could be worse doesn't really make you feel any better. Have you had these moments or days?

That's what today feels like for me. Today is not an effective mask day. Today is not the day where my emotional mask is on so I can smile and get through the day when dealing with customers. Hopefully it will improve, on more levels than just the surface.

I just try to remind myself that I'm stronger than I once was, and I can make it through anything. I say this. I know it's true. I still hurt.

I feel like the only way through these kind of moments is just to wade through them. Don't ignore it or push it aside, but make it to the other side stronger.... This is much easier said than done.

Good luck to anyone who can relate. I'm rooting for you.

2006-10-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

Jealousy

Have you ever been jealous over someone who wasn't yours?

I realize that people are not property, but there is a sort of "he's mine"/ "she's mine" when it comes to relationships. Would you agree?

I was out at a gathering with friends last night and realized I'm jealous. It's quite disturbing, and I don't like it.

I don't even think I'm jealous of a person. I'm jealous of an idea.

There's a guy that part of me wants, and the other part of me doesn't. The feeling is mutual with him.
There's a girl who's in love with and dating a guy who's.... Well.... He's interesting. He's loud and obnoxious, and has a tendency to not always tend to his girlfriend's emotional needs. Sometimes I wonder if he really doesn't pick up on things because he's not use to long-term, serious relationships, or if he is just an insensitive ass. But she is in love with him and they've been dating for over a year. All of these people hang out in a particular friend circle.

I'm also not always one for subtle. But for awhile now, I've noticed a subtle, under the skin flirtation between the guy that I seem to want and don't want and the girl in love with the interesting guy. After last night (really I think sooner than that), I feel if the girl in love with the interesting guy decides love isn't enough to make that relationship work or they break up, she and the guy I sometimes want and don't want could be an item. I think this came more to light last night than any other because someone else in the circle also noticed the subtle friendly flirtation between the two and commented, as well. For some reason, I think that put me in a bit of a funk today.

I don't know why. I remember a year ago, I was encouraging the guy to date other people (we kind of dated before and after that moment), I wanted him to go out and find a woman that would make him happy. I honestly thought I felt within myself that I wanted both of us to be happy, so if we aren't making each other happy, then there's no reason to waste time dating each other. We'll just continue as friends and hope for the best for each other. I was working with that attitude for awhile. But today, I sit here feeling bummed that it's not me he wants.

I feel like I've been doing a mantra of one of my bathroom wall quotes:

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Maybe I'm PMS-ing. I think they could make a cute couple. I question them making it to marriage, but they could be good for each other. But I guess I've been single for so long now that I'm getting jealous of the idea that someone can find his or her other, and be treated like the beautiful and desirable person (inside and out) that he/she deserves. Whether I've been single or in a relationship, I always use to have a huge inward smile when I saw people find that person to be in love with and share joy with. But right now, I'm sorry to say, I'm jealous.

So there's my confession that's been distracting my work day.
Back to the trenches.

2006-09-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

Story Time with the Wonderer

On most work days, I tend to take an after lunch restroom break. Nothing that extraordinary, just how things work with me. And as I've learned, apparently this is common for other women at my work place. I've learned there are certain times of the day when high traffic occurs in the women's restroom. It's usually about an hour or two after the designated lunch break.

I go into the restroom. There are two stalls currently filled. Due to how those people chose their designated stalls, I will have to share a wall with someone. I like my space, but I make due when necessary.

So I'm sitting in my stall, completing the necessary drainage, re-applying my make-up (yes, I like to multi-task), when out of the blue I hear...

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

from the stall next to me.

I pause.

I smile.

I think to myself.

I no longer can remember which thought came first, vibrator or cell phone on vibrate. Nonetheless, both options came to mind. But as I listened to the buzzing, I waited.

I figured if the buzzing stops soon and goes in pulses, cell phone. If not, vibrator.

It stopped. Cell phone probability confirmed to me. Since she was in the stall right next to me, I didn't hear any indication of an orgasm or the heavy breathing of someone who wanted to orgasm but needs to get back to work. And if she did orgasm, I am rather impressed she could do it that fast and with no noise.

But the best part of this story is that it doesn't stop there.

As I'm sitting in my stall pondering all the options after the vibrating stopped, the woman in the stall actually felt the need to vocalize to us, "It's my cell phone."

I think that is truly what made this worth writing. She too had her mind in a place of alternatives for the cause of the buzzing from her stall. So much so, to her embarrassment, she felt she needed to clear the air with the complete strangers who didn't watch her walk into the stall, would have never known who she was in any way, shape, or form, and most likely didn't care. That made me smile this afternoon.

We all chuckled from our respective stalls. Then proceeded to have a bit of a conversation regarding the incident.

Ahhh, the Women's restroom. It truly feels like a separate world within this one sometimes. :)

2006-09-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

Strawberry Shortcake

Sometimes forwards are cute. Sometimes they make me wonder. Sometimes both. Sometimes neither.

Today I received the forward below and decided to share. I wonder what psychiatrists really think about this type of forward.

I wonder what it would be like if someone came to see a therapist and told the therapist, I picked a dessert on a forward and it said this about my personality, what do I do?

Would he smack the patient on the head and say, "Congratulations! You do need therapy."? Wonder how much money he would milk the client for the session? Since the patient is showing gullibility and a potential for dependency on how others perceive him, would the psychiatrist simply dive into the session and figure out how to help the patient focus on his underlying problems? (I could go into a side rant about I Heart Huckabees right now, but that would lose focus.)

I wonder if the scarier thing would be the person who does need help, and decides to not go to the psychiatrist because the person took this forward test and thought, "Yep. I'm sane. Better cancel that shrink appointment."

These are the things I over-analyze when I should be doing other productive activities.

I will attempt to minimize my additional comments to the forward. However, there is no guarantee.

The Forward:

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry, you can only pick one!) Trust me...This is very accurate.

(Who exactly am I trusting in this situation? My dear friend who sent this to me? Or am I going on blind faith just as my friend did? I think I am more willing to trust this could be cute and fun instead of accurate. Is this a sign of trust issues? Already the inward stress begins.)

Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you. After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

ALSO, SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.

(I won't even begin to comment on the pressure to share your personality with others. Let alone fill up your supposed friends in-boxes with forwards. Maybe I am a private person and don't want others to know my inner-workings if this is accurate.)

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be...
OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what research says about you...

(This is when I re-read the rules to understand that it's asking which dessert would I pick right now if it was in front of me, not which one is my favorite)

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE --Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.

6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

Has anyone else noticed that there is no option for serial killer? Something along the lines of if you choose bread pudding, you are most likely to abuse small animals? Maybe those desserts were left out so people could feel better about themselves. This definately limits one's options to define one's personality.

I must admit I was debating between a few different desserts before scrolling. I like just about every dessert in the list... Lemon Meringue is my least favorite.

Another question to ponder, does this mean if I'm not that fond of lemon meringue I'm somehow lacking in sexiness, but am able to chew gum and walk at the same time?

Sadly, after all of this, I must admit, I can see the accuracy in my dessert choice & how I'm feeling lately. I know one who could disagree about the warm and loving, but that's just because that person is currently pouting. I question the "intuitively keen" part of my personality description. Oh well.
*mutters* Stupid accurate fruity forward.

To boot, I did send my response back to the person who sent it to me. Also, depending on how you look at it, I stopped the forward chain by not sending it to anyone else. But obviously did share this test with all of you lovely readers who could go forth and forward this to all your friends and/or email buddies.

2006-09-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

The Cottage Cheese to Cankle Heifer Rant

The candy store does not pay all that well, so I take on second and third jobs from time to time. , One of them I work events, such as auctions, concerts, charities, etc, at different places.

Tonight I worked the supposedly upwardly mobile section of an auction charity with concert. The upwardly Mobile section is filled with people who can afford to bid $350,000 for 4 tickets to a concert in the name of charity, and people who wish they could afford to piss away $350,000 as a tax write off to go see a Rolling Stones concert.

When I work the upwardly mobile section, I deal with a wide variety of people in those two groups. The alcohol consumption level definitely has a tendency to effect the variety of personalities. And though I met several special people tonight, I'm going to focus this rant on the woman described in the title.

My coworkers and I accept that we are not perfect. We make fun of each other and accept our imperfections. I personally know that when I looked down at my legs the other day, I realized I was in the early stages of developing cankles. For those of you who don't know what a cankle is, it is when one can't seem to differentiate b/w the calf and ankle, as if they have become one. It is usually seen on heavier set people.

Since I worked the floater position tonight, I stood by one of the doors to help with tickets into the "VIP" section at the beginning of the event. Only people with designated passes are allowed past these doors. As my coworkers and I stand there, we see this couple walk in and continue on to the other door. We promptly seize this moment to comment on the woman's attire.

This most likely in her 50's woman, who could have been in her 40's, was in a white halter top, and straight denim skirt, with a ruffle at the bottom. The skirt went down to about mid thigh. The lady wore no panty hose, and I did not pay attention to bra... I never made it that high. Well, I did notice she was blonde. I also noticed that her gut hung over the denim skirt, but at least was covered by the shirt. She did not have the peek-a-boo pooge. However, her legs could have been flattered a bit more if she decided to wear panty hose or a longer skirt. Because that skirt showed cottage cheese dimples all the way to the cankles. It was actually quite impressive. None of us had seen that before. We'd seen cottage cheese thighs before, but it takes skill to get the dimples of flesh down that low, I'm sure.

On a side note, I am by no stretch of the imagination one for current fashion. I too get ridiculed for my lack of style. Part of me feels thankful when I see people dress crazy or unflattering and look completely comfortable in what they are wearing. Another part of me wishes they don't because I can't seem to burn the images from my mind's eye.

Continuing on:

In the beginning of the evening, the woman was relatively pleasant. I could tell by some of her actions, that she and her man were new & not accustom to the VIP section. However, as the night progressed and the alcohol level increased, she didn't please me.

I'm pretty lenient at my posts. But I do get incredibly irked when people decide to ignore the obvious, like I must be at that post for a reason, and treat me like I am something to look past, like the potted plant in the waiting room of the doctor's office. I realize I am just the person in uniform that probably makes less than their house keepers, but I am a human being with a job to do.

Since my coworkers and I noticed the woman when she came into the building, I know which entrance she came in from. I.e. I also know where the exit is for her man and she to make it back to the parking garage.

So, towards the middle of the event, I'm manning my cowoker's post while she's on break. Her post was at the original door near the parking garage. Cottage Cheese to Cankle Woman and her man approach my door and attempt to try to blow right past me.

"Ticket Please. May I help you?"

"We're just trying to leave." As she points past me.

I point behind her (and before one enters my door) and inform her the exit is that way.

She proceeds to look past me and tell me, "Oh no, we're farther down this way." And tries to pass me again.

"Ticket please."

"But we're just trying to leave."

"Yes, ma'am, but if you are going to leave through these doors you need to show me your ticket." (side note: That's part of their security for the VIP section, there's a couple of different steps that have to be taken to confirm that someone didn't just come to the VIP section without a ticket for that event, or that several people try to get in using the same ticket.)

She looks frustrated (not to mention her eyes are red and glazed over), and shows me their tickets. As I'm looking at their tickets, another couple attempts to just blow right past me!!

What the bleep?!? Does a person standing at the door taking tickets just make you think, "oh wait! That's for everyone else but me, I'll just go around."

In the words of Carlos Mencia, "Dee dee dee!"

Yes, I'm aware it's the stupid and little things that cause me to rant.

So as I'm trying to speak over the loud music to tell the guy that I need to check his tickets and to please wait by the door, I reach behind me for the black light to check the hand stamps on the drunk Cottage Cheese to Cankle Woman, she and her dippy man have decided that showing me their tickets was good enough and started taking off down the hallway. I knew the woman really did belong in the VIP section, because I saw her there earlier when I made my rounds. It was just the principle of the matter that they couldn't seem to respect that I had a job to do... Same goes for the second couple. It was just odd, I've had to deal with events where hundreds of people go through my post, bribing me to get in here and there, and this felt like I was doing that type of crowd control, yet I was only dealing with 4 people! And at a charity event, no less!

Just to make things fitting, Cottage Cheese to Cankle Woman showed up at my door again because low and behold, they circled the entire floor only to come back to me stating they were lost and didn't know how to get to the parking garage which was the opening right before my door. This time when I pointed to it, they finally went in the right direction.

I hope the man was driving.

So that's my rant. Nothing really impressive or has a point, other than some times drunk people who act stupid, don't listen, and don't dress in ways to flatter themselves on top of that tend to irk me. I'm sure I've been one of them and this is karma, but still. Working a KISS concert, I could expect and prep for something like this. Working a charity event with a concert act like Yanni, not so much. Not to mention, I was actually enjoying the music, so they interrupted my groove. I'm sure that's really why I was irked above all else.

Please take care, and be sure to not drink and drive.

2006-09-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

Wrong Humor

I accept that I have an altered sense of humor, and today I shall give an example of it.

I currently have a variety of duties at the candy shop. I'm pretty much a jack of all trades, master of nothing there. Not to mention I don't work for the average candy store. This place has taken to more than selling candy. It also does 3rd party critiques, kind of like inspections, of other candy shops throughout the state. It tends to focus its critiques on the shops that actually make candy, not just sell it.

Awhile back, a person who acts like one of my bosses gave me an assignment. He wanted me to find out if an old candy store in the middle of Nowhere still exists. If the store was there and making candy, he wanted to know so he could send out one of our critics. I like to call them inspectors. It feels fitting to me. So I did my research on the site, even called the county assessors office just to see if the place still had the same owner. I could not get a phone number, but according to everything else, there was still a candy store there and owned by the person we had on file. I presented the information to my real boss, and he suggested the site be critiqued.

When I went to find someone to do the inspection, I learned a newly knighted inspector had been assigned this formerly phantom region.

Excuse me. I am still laughing as I write this.

I found out this morning that this new knight, one of my favorite inspectors, was cursing my name yesterday. I apparently sent him to a place equivalent to that in the movie "The Hills have Eyes".

*still laughing* tee hee

I heard from him and my boss today that the supposed candy store in Nowhere, actually had abandonned looking mines near by that my inspector swore to me people lived in. He told me that once he passed the sign to enter the area, his cell phone had no signal.

Once he explained who he was to the owner, the guy flipped out, went for the shotgun and told my guy that he needed to come back with the sheriff if he was going on the store owner's property.

*still laughing*

Did I mention this is a commercial property?

My sympathetic response was something along the lines of "At least he didn't make you squeal like a pig."

Anyway, I couldn't stop laughing with my poor inspector. He let me know that he tried to call my work line all afternoon yesterday while he was cursing my name.

Who would have thought critiquing candy shops could require hazard pay?

Just thought I'd share my little ray of sunshine I received today when others were trying to throw pooh on my parade.

Have a good day.

2006-09-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

To Jump or Play It Safe?

I realize that I have always been very fortunate with some aspects of my life. It could be considered a blessing or a curse, but I usually start off rather spoiled, then go down hill from there.

A prime example is work. For years now I've longed for my dream career, the one in which I operate my own lollipop cart, like Fong (played by Shengyi Huang) in Stephen Chow's Kung Fu Hustle. Currently, it's like I work in a candy store. Among the plethora of candy available to sell, there are lollipops. However, the lollipops are shipped in from lollipop contractors. There enlies my problem. I don't want to merely have the cart where I sell lollipops out on the street corner, I want to make my own lollipops. I thought I would learn this craft at the candy store. I found out I was sorely mistaken.

The next thing I know, years have gone by and I'm still at the candy store. It's not a rocket science type of job. The people there are such a joy to work with. Some not so much, but hey those are at every job for the most part. Luckily this is like the FAO Swartz of candy stores, so it's a big place, and thankfully those people are not in my group. My group rocks. Also, since it's a big company, I have great benefits and retirement program. I really have a great thing going for me.

However, it's not challenging me in the way I want to be challenged. A part of me still longs for my lollipop business.

A couple of months back, I realized I was getting closer to being "vested" with the candy store. So I decided to seriously look into what I want to do with my career life. Should I stay with the candy store? Should I go to school and learn to make lollipops, since I'm obviously not getting on-the-job training? Or look into working at a lollipop factory? I started to pray on the matter. I even went to temple for the first time in Lord knows when.

A couple of days after meditation and prayer, I'm out doing an errand for the candy store, and who do I meet? A sensay of lollipop makers. She reminded me of the lollipop man in Sing-yuen Chung's Bet to Basic when the smitten Lloyd (Jordan Chan) takes Peggy (Rain Li) to some old man who hand-made Peggy's favorite hard-to-find lollipops right before their eyes. I met my lollipop man. At this meeting, I was told that I was bright and intelligent. The lollipop sensay saw promise in me as a future lollipop maker, and was willing to have me join her small shop. It's not a factory. The business consists of the lady, her lollipop business partner, and their store manager. They were starting to grow as a company and looking for their first real employee.

Initially, excitement took over. There were some scheduling delays, but over a couple of months we finally had a couple of interviews, and they made me an offer. This is where my dilemma and realization of just how spoiled I am set in.

The money they offered me is slightly more than what I make now. However, the benefits and retirement are practically non-existent. So really it's like a pay cut to join them. That's when I realized my spoiledness, and the true question of "Am I a risk taker or do I play it safe?" came to mind. Do I jump at my opportunity that could possibly move me in the direction of my dream career, or stay at the candy store until they finally have the resources to make lollipops in-shop again?

Like I said before, I like the people at my job, it's not stressful, and the benefits are outstanding. I pay $25 a month for health insurance, and I get the Mayo Clinic in my health plan. To say the least, the small lollipop shop can't compare, which I expected. I was just hoping for more money to balance the lack of benefits so the move could feel more lateral. But it has the potential to be a step in the direction of my dream career. And I met the person right at a time when I was asking for a sign.

If the lollipop makers will have me, I would love that private apprenticeship option to work with them. I realize the financial sacrifice associated to it. Since I am young enough with no family, now would be the time, if any, to take it. So the question is really a matter of when to begin work with them.

Moral of the random thought: I've learned that I'm actually more of a risk taker than I originally thought.

Recurring conclusion: The Universe is just so witty at times. It gives me the good stuff first, so I know what it's like to lose the little fluffy cushions to accomplish the bigger goals and dreams... Yep, that sense of humor always seems to keep me on my toes.

Good luck to all of you, whether you are the type to jump or play it safe. May you be able to laugh with Universe, or at least find a way to laugh back at it.

2006-09-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

Strength or Friendship?

This morning I awoke reminded of the tragedy that is my weakness. I understand lots of people have weaknesses or addictions, but one of my current ones is like being addicted to milk when you are lactose intolerant. It's as if I am weak to the temptation of having a glass of milk with cookies or cake when I know it will cause me to be puking ill and possibly break out in an awful rash afterwards. We will say what I have is a weakness for "chocolate".

Basically, I was wearing my veil of denial, when I met the person who would become, we shall say, my chocolate dealer. At first, I thought nothing of our meeting. We became that gray area of friends that fall between more than acquaintances but not close true friends. We hung out daily, usually had lunch together, talked about work, relationships, nonsense, etc. But not the type of friends that would be at the top of each other's dial-a-friend-when-in-need list.

Some events happened in my life about a year ago, and my gray area friend presented me with the opportunity to have chocolate. I knew it was wrong. I knew that I would be ill if I had any. But low and behold, I tasted it. And sure enough, I got physically ill from just a little taste. Not right away. In the aftermath, when I was home, alone, and hovering over the toilet. Yet for some reason, a slight inner part of me enjoyed chocolate in the moment, and began to want it. In short, I tormented myself.

Part of my torment was feeling like a hypocrite. This was a most painful rude awakening in my lack of self discipline and control. After years and years of telling others with a similar reaction to have enough will power to stay away from chocolate because it will cause illness afterwards, I felt God's sense of humor sweep down on me and knock me right on my tush.

However, I had redemption 6 months ago. I finally had the strength to do as Barbara Bush taught and just said no! But ever since my first taste, a bigger problem developed that wasn't just the mere chocolate. It was my relationship with my gray area friend who was now my dealer.

I tend to keep my veil of denial handy for just such situations, and it was in full use. I was in denial about my dealer as my friend. Or would it be my friend as my dealer? After one becomes your dealer, can that person be your friend anymore? Can I have a relationship without chocolate being involved?

I wanted the answer to be yes. An open confession is that I still do. But I guess when you think about it, how can one be sober and friends with one's dealer?

I went 6 months without so much as a taste of chocolate. Initially, my dealer would try to use a spray bottle and put a mist of chocolatein the air as I walked by, but I quickly whipped out my pocket-sized fan and didn't let the scent get to me. My dealer got the hint and acted like my gray area friend again. I have a feeling my dealer may have brought out the spray bottle more. But again, I was wearing my veil. I may have missed those attempts.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that when I stopped by my dealer's office, my dealer would have chocolate chips and bars sitting out in the open at the work area where we would visit. Then, I somehow let my dealer actually talk to me about chocolate and how nice it would be to try it again. Reminiscing about the times we shared chocolate together. I thought I was strong enough to handle this now.

I was wrong. Yesterday, for the first time, I caved. I took the slightest nibble of a chocolate chip... and whose hand fed it to me? My dealer. My gray area friend. My dealer, who would try to use the title of gray area friend, and say that my wishes for sobriety were being respected. But looking back now, how could that be? How can a dealer respect your wishes of sobriety when the dealer wants you to share chocolate with him or her. A dealer doesn't have to have an allergic reaction to chocolate or milk like I do. I feel mine believes this is the category to belong in. So my dealer can have all the chocolate my dealer wants and, only if using stupidity about quantity and time, maybe get the runs later. Or so my dealer thinks. I think my dealer has been hit by the short bus too many times.

In conclusion, I caved yesterday. But the part that irritates me more is that I'm angry with no one to blame. Why blame my dealer? I should have known better. My dealer may have wanted to be my gray area friend, but I guess this shows that once the line was crossed, my dealer is the dealer in this relationship. A friendship may be in there somewhere, but I think my dealer is addicted to sharing chocolate with me. That being said, how can my dealer be my gray area friend again?

I guess that's what disappoints me most. I'm disappointed in my veil. It obviously didn't hold up. My gray area friend showed the colors of a dealer, and I learned that I really have a hard time saying no to chocolate when it's gently brushed against my lips. I can say no when I avoid a situation like that, but I'm obviously weak in the situation.

I try to look on the positive side that I learned this about myself and my weaknesses. But it's a weakness I don't want to have. Ever! I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and wish to be stronger. Not to mention, I'm bummed about losing my gray area friend.

May no one else have to go through this decision of choosing strength for yourself over a friendship or illusion of a friendship.

2006-09-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Oh the Time Consumption of Mundane Tasks!

By the way, I will eventually make time to get my title section back. Someday! Someday it will happen!... If only this was my biggest trial and tribulation in life...if only...

I actually have some random stories of the mental debates and trying thoughts going through my mind that I would love to share with you and receive feedback on. However, I'm apparently not making the time.

I tried to stay asleep as long as I could this morning, but I woke up trying to choreograph my thoughts and current whines into a story or two I'd like to put here. I even debated which one to put in first. Yet neither thought shall be written any time soon due to the time consumtion caused by the tedious tasks I've been handed at work. My group has been asked to put all our regular work on hold so we may do DATA ENTRY. *cringe*

Correction, I mean to complete the breath taking task of DATA ENTRY that is upon us. Then, once we complete the all important data entry, I have to photocopy and print a bunch of documents to make folders for other people.... Who usually do that for themselves.

In conclusion, it may take me some time before I can finally add some riveting new posts. Hopefully they will continue to be as spectular as they were in my mind this morning. But as the day progresses and new events occur, all could be lost, and they could simply become boring (yet still random) thoughts from a spoiled whiner.

So please be well and enjoy your day. May you all still find something to smile about even in the face of adversity... In fact, if you see adversity's face, please make a silly face for me and mock it! Mock it well! Adversity deserves a good mocking and silly face made at it every now and again.

Oh yes, and if you can, find something to do at the tedious tasks of the day to make them better too. Or at least to make them feel quicker or easier to get through. I'm currently still working at this project myself.

Good Day!

2006-08-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

Positive Thinking?

There is some debate over whether or not positive thinking actually helps. Does it really help one deal with a situation? Or does it merely make one delusional and in denial of the reality at hand?

Either way, I have quotes in my cube and home restroom to keep me in check. I like to think they don't assist in denial, but remind me to possibly take another perspective on a situation.

Here they are in a random order of no significance:

1) If you see the land of milk and honey on the other side, you are in better shape than most. Just don't lose sight of that goal and remember "baby steps". Large leaps just don't happen that often. - My dad

2) Discipline is the key to freedom...True freedom includes the ability to focus, an inner peace, self-acceptance, and clarity of intention.

3) When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one, which has been opened for us.

4) Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

5) "-amare et sapere vix deo conceditur!" Translation: "-even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time"

6) "I can handle anything that life throws at me. I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently -- but I will handle it."

I have more, but why overload anyone. We'll see if this helps anyone else in their need for a positive outlook when feeling low. Occasionally they help me.

2006-08-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

Introduction

For some reason this thing is not playing nice with me, and it won't give me the title option right now. It did earlier. I must have been bad. :(

Hola All! Welcome to this blog.

I hope everyone is having a swell day. For me, eh.... I'm tired. Don't quite know why. Thought I went to bed at a decent hour, and I didn't have a strenous evening. However, I did have some rather unpleasant dreams when I woke up... Oh well. Such is life. :)

So, as the title of this blog professes, I am a rather spoiled person... I feel very blessed with the random good fortunes that come to me. However, I still have the ability to complain about the little things...or at least in some people's minds. Sometimes I don't look at it as complaining but arguing over the minute for the principle of the matter.

For instance, last week I went to the office cafeteria to get some milk for my cereal while my coworkers got coffee. A different coworker informed me that it would be cheaper to get milk from the milk dispensing machine than to buy the little trendy bottles of milk from the refrigerator section. So on this trip, I decide to check it out and see if the price is worth it.

Well, the bottle of milk is around $1.39, the sign on the milk machine says "12 oz cup is $.20". To me that meant that a 12 oz. cup of milk is 20 cents. Sweet deal!

I get to the register, and the woman proceeds to tell me that the milk is $0.81. "Why would this be 81 cents if the sign on the milk machine says 20 cents?" She stares at me blankly. She's new. And since she's new and there is no real training program, no one is with her to supervise her, so she's slow at ringing people up. By the time she even gets to me, there are about 6 people in line behind me. She begins to look confused and panick-y. She tells me to wait, she'll find someone to help her. I look back, see the line getting larger, and tell her, "Ya know what? I'm going to be eating in the dining area, so I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. How about you ring these people up and come back to me when you figure out the price of the milk. I've got a dollar in my hand, so I'm good for it either way." She agrees. I walk away.

When my coworkers sit down to join me, they proceed to laugh and tell me how mean I was to the woman and that my words really translated to "I'm going over there to sit down, until you get your head out of your a$$."

I had no intention to be mean, but there is a difference between 81 and 20, especially when you have about $30 to last you for over a week. So I guess this is an example of how I complain about the little things. However, in my mind, I was not complaining about the price. It was the principle of the matter.

In the end, the milk cost $0.81. Apparently there is some random sign on the milk machine that lets you know that 12 oz cups are $0.20. I guess people must like to take the cups with nothing in it, so they put a sign on the milk and coffee machines explaining the price of just having a cup with nothing in it is 20 cents. I was the slow one apparently because I was silly enough to assume that meant a 12 oz cup of milk was $0.20 since that sign was on a milk machine...

Another lesson learned: Don't assume anything.